Sorry, Falling Apart Piece by Piece

I’m losing sight of what it feels like to be healthy and normal again. I’m a little bit depressed, always sleep deprived, and always have some sort of pain. When I have the time and energy I have to work and I don’t have time to post here. I’m worried I’m not doing a good enough job at being a wife, cat mom, a professional, and it’s all really stressful. Still figuring out what’s wrong with me. I’m having trouble getting enough sleep to function. And being highly sensitive doesn’t help. Hope to figure this thing out soon. It’s really putting me in a negative place.

Goodbye for now,

Jen

Finding Peace and Meaning in my Life

I’m always searching for meaning in my life. I’m always thinking: “What else is out there?”, “What am I destined to do?”, “How can I make the most out of my life?”, “Does my life have any real meaning yet?”, “What could I be missing?”

Being the best wife in the world has always been my number one goal in life, and I feel like I’m succeeding at that most days. Being a Mom to two cute and cuddly siamese cats has been awesome. I could have found better fur babies to love. Having a best friend that understands me and accepts everything about me is completely amazing. No topics are off limits as far as conversations go. Some people will go their who lives without experiencing that kind of friendship. I have plenty more friends and some good family. Starting my own business has felt right from the start, and I feel it has a ton of potential. I’m lucky.

Awhile back I mentioned that I am a Christian, but felt a bit lost in the whole thing. I grew up in a church where I never fit in and felt like I belonged. Even though I made friends many of those friendships faded. Now it’s been almost a year at my new church and I could be happier with it. I sincerely thought church was supposed to be boring and feel like torture, until I stumbled upon my new church. Now I actually enjoy church, but wouldn’t mind a few less songs.

My new church made me realize that I’m supposed to have a relationship with God. I wasn’t sure I really knew what that meant. I always find it a bit odd when people talk about God as if they had a real face-to-face conversation with him. It has actually has made me feel uncomfortable in the past. Like maybe these people are religious nut jobs! Now I still find it odd, but I don’t judge them for it. I don’t judge because I realize that I haven’t made the effort to truly find out what it means to have a relationship with God. Digging deeper into religion and talking about it with other people is an uncomfortable area for me. However, I know that I have to do things that I’m afraid of once in awhile to grow as a person. So, I started this course called ALPHA that goes through the basics of Christianity. So far I’ve learned a lot and have met a lot of really nice people. I’ve even started reading from a devotional book each day. It’s been a real positive way to start the day.

I haven’t achieved my major goal though. My major goal right now in my life is to learn how to really trust in God that things will just work out in my life, and therefore I will have less highly sensitive emotional stress attacks. I’m not really sure what to call them, but my whole body becomes fearful of the world and I become a very negative version of myself. I start to feel like life is too hard and it’s just not going to get easier. My mind and body kind of enter a state of panic. I start to think everything in life is too overwhelming and the world is working against me. Sometimes I even think I’m not going to survive 5o some years on this planet. It’s awful, and I know in my mind that I have no reason to feel that way. When I finally get over this emotional attack I’m then left in a state of anger for feeling that way in the first place. Then, I worry about it happening again. I’m not sure if that’s just a normal thing for highly sensitive people or it has something to do with my childhood.

The thing is I’ve been taking really good care of myself too. I don’t even put my self in situations that are too overwhelming anymore. I make sure to plan out my life so that I have enough time by myself and enough time with other people. I make sure I have time to take breaks during my work day and rarely overload myself with work. Still I have these emotional attacks. However, I firmly believe that if I keep working at it I will be able to sail through life rarely worrying and stressing over anything. That’s the ultimate goal. Any thoughts?

Sleep Insomnia

I’m lacking sleep lately and it’s been causing some pretty negative feelings inside of me. I wake up in the middle of the night or earlier then I want and can’t get back to sleep. Last week I had to take several naps in order to get through a whole day. I wake up with stomach pain, get up to use the bathroom, go back to bed, and then my mind starts going. Then, everything having to do with my business becomes overly stressful,  and due to my tired nature and that stress it became even harder to get a good nights rest. It’s been a vicious cycle.

Last night I got 7 hours of sleep which is quite decent for most people, but I stayed in bed for an hour more not necessarily asleep and when I finally got up I was still tired. Within an hour I was crying from being overly tired. I don’t quite understand how to get out of this mess. I start my diet cleanse soon and I’m really looking forward to it, but I’m still scared that there’s something else wrong with me. I miss getting out of bed ready to take on the day! Lately, I have just been praying to God to just help me get through each day. In my mind I’m not real stressed but I feel like my physical condition is causing it. So everyday I have to fight those negative thoughts and one hour I will be in a positive place and in another hour I feel like the world is crumbling beneath me. But, I’m fighting for sleep, I’m fighting for a positive outlook, for relaxation, and my health. I have a lot to be happy about and a lot to be grateful for. I know it! So I know that what’s wrong with me is just a physical condition that I need to fix – just need to keep reminding myself of it, but it’s incredibly hard.

I’m losing time to post and I’m a bit worried I’m missing out on the benefits of writing here. I apologize, I just can’t seem to blog when I feel so overly stressed. Hope to write something again soon.

Reprogramming My Brain

Lately, it’s been a chore of mine to stop myself from reliving past negative experiences in my head. I’ve been trying real hard to cut out all negative thoughts and either fill them with positive thoughts or positive words about myself. I’ve been waking up a lot in the middle of the night and have troubles going back to sleep because I’m thinking about so many things. Lots of things are going on and I can’t seem to turn off my brain that easily. But, I’m thinking the more I practice not letting my thoughts go to a negative place, not letting them go off on a tangent, the easier it will get. Maybe I will start to really seek control over my mind and gravitate toward more positive thoughts than negative. I spend way too much time thinking about my sensitive nature and worrying about future things overwhelming me. But, I’m sick of letting my mind run wild. It’s time I start fighting my negative thoughts with positive ones.

Spinning Around in Circles

I’m spinning around in circles and whenever I feel like I’m going somewhere I fall back down and it starts all over again. This sentence was taken from my high school self, and I just thought of it again today. This applies to more than one area and more than one aspect of my life. First, my desire to think positive and not let the world get me down. Second, the direction my life is going. 

Being positive right now is a very complicated task for me. I can handle my struggles of being an entrepreneur pretty well because I have no doubt that it’s my destiny to go down that road. I can handle the fact that I have pain in my stomach and frequent headaches. I will find a way to conquer that. I’ve handled the fact that we haven’t had money to put into savings in a really long time. What I can’t handle is the healthcare bills that are going to hold us back (possibly a year) from getting to a place where we can say were doing financially well. I don’t think I’ve mentioned it yet, but my husband had stomach issues too. He had to have a really expensive test and now we have to pay a good chunk of his healthcare deductible along with my whole deductible. Plus there’s money going into my business and not yet coming out. I feel like my life is operating in circles with a constant struggle of pushing forward, and then being pulled forcefully backward.

I find myself feeling all the same emotions I did two years ago. I have to force myself not to blame myself for all our financial hardships. I have to stop myself from blaming my parents for not raising me better, understanding my sensitivity, or noticing how lost and alone I felt in this world for so many years. I sometimes feel like I’m living a life I’ve already lived. It’s weird because I felt that way when I went to college — I could sense all the struggles and stress I would face and it felt like I had already done it. I experienced it emotionally in some way before it had even happened. It’s really hard to explain.

I know being stressed won’t help me. I know dwelling on the past won’t help me. I know the only thing I can do is keep on working hard and staying motivated. I just think for most people that’s easier because it’s not the story of their life. It is the story of my life: a constant battle to succeed, feeling like I’m moving forward, something catastrophic happens, and I’m right back where I started. I know there’s people who have it worse and I try to remember that. I just only know what it feels like to be me.

I read in this book that your either happy or your not. There is not sort of, some days I am, some days I’m not. Your either happy or your miserable. I guess that makes sense, but I don’t want to believe it. If we accept this as the truth I’m not certain if I’ve ever been really happy for more than a few months at a time (if even that) since I was like 5. But, honestly I can’t be certain. I’m not sure I like this theory because it makes me think “Why try then?” I think a lot of people see me as happy because I make an effort to be. I enjoy my weekends and time spent with my husband and friends.

I know I wrote a post recently on being positive so I’m supposed to be in a really positive place, but I don’t want to sugarcoat the way I’m feeling, and when I pretend I start to feel guilty about it after awhile. You have to know that things have gone wrong that I’ve accepted and turned back to a positive view, and then more things have gone wrong, but I still chose to be positive, and then again more things have gone wrong and now I’m just trying to stay afloat. I know life is suppose to teach us lessons and bad things usually happen for a reason. So, if the reason is to turn me into a stronger person I think that’s probably happening. I’ve learned to be positive in a lot of extremely difficult situations. If some people only knew how hard my life has been + how sensitive I am + how hard things were for me just in the last couple months they might wonder how I manage to get out of bed in the morning. Of course, there are people who deal with a lot worse.

My birthday is coming. Every year on my birthday for about the last 6 years I contemplate if I’m at the point I want to be in my life for turning that age. I’ve always had goals for myself and they haven’t been anything outrageous. Well around this time last year was when my hours were cut at my part time job that I was going to keep while I went into business for myself. I knew then my job would end. I cried on my birthday because I felt like I wasn’t where I wanted to be for turning another year older. This year I’m not where I want to be in my life, but at least I have my own business like I wanted since I was in college. This year my only goal is to not cry on my birthday. So I coaxed my husband into buying me tickets for this awesome show because I get really happy whenever I get to do something new and exciting. And I’m waiting to do my crazy diet plan that might cure my stomach issues. I think I can manage not to cry.

I sometimes just still feel like a lost kid trying to navigate her way through a big scary world. Except, I’m so much smarter then people realize. I consider myself wiser than a lot of people twice my age. Because I’m an introspective, INFJ whose always reading and learning. Because I see the world differently and feel everything deeper.

I feel like crying right now not out of sadness or pain but just the feeling of being completely engulfed in all my emotions and being able to understand them so clearly. I’m sitting in the screen porch with the wind blowing on me and there’s nothing else I would rather do then just keep on typing and writing out everything I’m feeling. But, I think that’s enough for today.

Learning how to Network Effectively as an Introvert

I really want to get my business going as fast as possible and networking, word-of-mouth, and introducing myself to small local businesses are my best options. But, there’s only so much I can handle before my introverted, sensitive personality starts to get irritated, exhausted, and stressed. I hit that limit this week for sure.

This is definitely a struggle for me because if I network too much I will end up hating my business instead of loving it. If I network too less I won’t be giving my business the exposure it needs. I know I can find a healthy balance, but I do worry over time it’s just going to exhaust me to the point where I would rather be doing anything else. For now I’m staying positive about all the business opportunities out there for me. I know that once I have a couple different clients the networking will get easier and my business will become more fun, and I will eventually receive a lot of business just through referrals.

I don’t necessarily enjoy the networking I do even when I have the energy for it, but I’m convinced that once I start making friends it will get easier and easier. However, I’m absolutely concerned with where people’s heads our at with the design of some of these networking events. I attended one about a month ago that meets every Thursday for an hour and requires each person to pay around $450.00 for a year membership. I asked where the money goes and they informed me that it all goes to the corporate office. Then, they still have to pay for food each week when they meet. So someone chose to form this expensive group and charge people all this money when they could just create a small group of people who want to network and get together on a regular basis for free. I never went back, I never looked back.

There’s other networking groups with costs, but if I know my money is going toward something that I will benefit from directly then that’s another story. Very few networking events I attend are actually enjoyable. I feel like the elevator speeches and presentations are old, stale, and won’t last forever. I feel this is the older generation stuck in old techniques, yet I’m not sure quite yet how it could be done differently.

The Secret to Becoming More Positive and Even Happier

I learned something momentous about being positive this last week. Now I’m working to be more positive!

I know that I’m in control of my happiness and I can make the choice to be happy and seek it out, but that hasn’t been enough to keep me positive. I’ve been in a pretty negative place over the last few months due to my health. I got really angry about having health issues mostly because I was in a really happy and positive place before them. I was angry that life circumstances popped my positive and happy vibes, as if there were little bubbles floating around that I had no control over and no way to protect. I’ve never really had any health issue the lasted more than a couple of weeks so I didn’t handle the situation very well — as you might have sensed from my past blogs.

When all the numerous tests I had were basically done, and I was left with a most likely diagnosis, I knew I needed to focus on being more positive and being happier in order to focus on my business. Instead I felt the complete opposite. Instead I was an emotional mess. Then after a really positive networking experience it hit me — I can’t fix myself unless I fix the negative influence in my life. Sadly, my husband was an extremely negative influence on me. He was in a worse place than me. After being angry and having an emotional meltdown, my husband agreed that he needed to start being more positive. He needed to be more positive for himself, as well as for me. I don’t blame him for being a stressed mess because I’ve been just as bad, if not worse, at certain points in my life. However, enough was enough. We weren’t doing ourselves any favors.

I thought back to when I was in a happier place and what I was doing different and it occurred to me that I was reading a lot of positive and motivational books and articles. So I took my husband to the library and found him some audio books focused on being happier and being more positive. A light switch had already been turned on after I confronted him about his negativity. He decided to be more positive, but listening to the audio book has helped even more.

Some would laugh at the thought of reading self-help books, listening to CD’s on being more positive or anything of that nature. Some would think it’s for the weak. But, I’m telling you, it’s for everyone! Everyone can benefit from it. There comes a point in everyone’s life where they need it. I read about a lady who listens to that type of thing everyday for an hour. Science shows that a good percentage of our thoughts our negative and focused on the past. People are more easily stressed out these days. It actually makes loads of sense to read or listen to something motivational or positive everyday, or even a couple times a week. I’ve read and heard multiple times from so many people that as an entrepreneur I should be reading new books all the time to learn new things. Once I started really diving into reading books again I noticed a change in the way I felt.

Sure with everything my husband and I have been through we have a right to be stressed out and upset, but we needed to choose not to be. We chose not to be, and chose to seek out inspiration. That doesn’t always work too easily, but there’s a book on just about every problem out there. At some point I stopped reading books on a regular basis. I have never been big on reading, but I like books where I learn something. I now notice having a positive or inspirational book to read really had an impact in my life.

I think the best secret to being more positive is reading books. In the past I’ve tried to verbally provide my husband with motivational and positive lessons, and he has given me some himself. It didn’t help enough though. Even doing activities that made me happy didn’t really help. Spending more time with friends didn’t really help. Trying to help others didn’t really help. Seeking out positive reading and gaining a positive husband did. Seeking it out is key — we had to make the choice to seek out positive vibes, not have someone preach it to us. Also, with us both reading positive things there’s double the chance of us leading a more positive life. That way it isn’t always one person trying to bring the other one up, when the other is down, or worse just bringing each other down.

Lesson 1: Seek out motivational and inspirational books, always be reading something, or have something that you can refer to when your in a negative or stressful place.

Lesson 2: Have your significant other read something too, or whomever your living with because you don’t want them to bring you down, when they could be influencing you positively.

🙂 Hope your feeling some positive vibes. I’m not going to let my positive vibes get popped too easily from now on. I know I might fail, but I’m going to keep reading, and keep trying to be happier.

I Hate Faking How I Feel and Lying

I hate pretending that I’m fine when I’m not, even if it’s strangers, even if it’s customer service, even if it’s for the best. It’s worse when I have to smile and say that I’m “great” when really I’m the exact opposite. I hate lying. I can’t even stand to tell a white lie. If I ever lie it’s as close to the truth as possible. When my husband lies it’s the exact opposite and I feel all awkward to be part of his lie, even though there always so small and insignificant. Like when he’s lied about why we were late arriving at a family member’s house. Usually me being open and honest works out pretty good for me. But, I do have to fake how I feel in a lot of situations and it’s extremely difficult sometimes. I can mold myself to fit into many situations based on who I’m with and what I’m doing, but I can’t handle it when I’m in emotional pain. When I’m in emotional pain it takes me a few seconds more to get out those words “I’m g..great..!”

The Day I Share My Sensitivity with the World

Lately I find myself daydreaming about that day in the distant future where I will shout out “I’m highly sensitive” without any regard for what people might think of it. I will flood my social media with posts on what it’s about, what it means to me, the pain it’s caused me growing up and maybe I’ll find some way to help others. I’ll share a big part of who I am. Unless something truly dramatic happens in my life that day is far, far away.

You might think I’m the type of person to share a lot of what’s going on inside my head, but I’m actually the complete opposite. I’m an extremely private person, who rarely shares their emotions with anyone.

When I was younger I never shared my emotions with anyone, even my parents, I guess I thought they wouldn’t be able to understand. Although, I had a couple trustworthy friends to share things with who were sensitive too. But, I still shared less than both of them combined. I learned at an early age to hide my sensitivity and to do whatever it takes to not let anyone see it. Partly because I thought it was a flaw at the time. Now I accept it, but still fear what others don’t know and don’t understand.

What scares me the most is that I have very deep feelings toward the concept of sensitivity. I have very deep feelings in general being sensitive, but I feel deeply about all the trauma I’ve had in my life related to my sensitivity. I worry that people won’t understand how deeply it effects me. Why would they?

Lately, almost everyday, I think about how I’m highly sensitive and how it’s continuing to make life more difficult than normal. I don’t look at myself in a negative way, but instead project negative thoughts toward the rest of the world. I get angry about people who don’t think things through enough and people in politics making a mess out of things. I get made about how most of the population judges people who are introverted and sensitive unfairly. I get mad about the people from my past who hurt my views of myself. Even those who are introverted, because they don’t understand it and think it’s a flaw, they spend time trying to be an extrovert. I even get mad at fate for taking away my part-time job and sabotaging my health. I worry about being faced with people who will turn to me and say “Stop blaming the rest of the world for how you feel.” And I would say, “Never, I already blamed myself for about 25+ years of my life.” I’ve punished myself enough for other people’s wrongful mistakes. Not many people like being around a person with low-self esteem, a lack of confidence, and little self worth.  But, that wasn’t my fault. Thank you world. I had to suffer for other people’s mistakes and unfair judgement. I still suffer for it because I don’t want to be wrongly labeled and misunderstood. I know the world is still lacking knowledge and unfairly judging the introverts and sensitives of the world. I just don’t have it in me yet to fight back in an epic way. But, someday I will. Someday when I’m actually quite successful I’ll help others, write a book, and stop hiding all of my deep side from the world. When the world has crushed you over and over again and you still stand up and fight for what you want, still continue down your determined path, you earn the right to blame the world for things never going your way. You have the right to blame society as a whole as long as you keep on fighting.

BUT CHANGE IS COMING! I can’t wait for the movie “Sensitive: The Untold Story.” I’m excited to see what kind of an impact it will have. I’m excited to see it myself and feel what others have gone through being sensitive. I’m anxious to watch it with my husband and see how he feels about it. I’m anxious for people to have some understanding of what it means to be sensitive.

Is it possible that some people are born creative?

Yes. I believe I am and I doubt anyone can change my mind about it. One article I read argues whether all people are born creative or just learn to be later in life. I completely disagree with this viewpoint. I think some people are inherently born creative, while others learn to be creative later in life. I think my brain is naturally wired to think creatively.

Growing up I wasn’t pushed into any creative activities. I looked for ways to be creative. I would draw, do crafts, and build things without any influence from my friends or family. My sister was not creative with anything. It was just me. My dad loved to draw when he was younger, so maybe I inherited some creativity from him. But, he decided against a creative career and he doesn’t really have any creative hobbies. I don’t think he was born creative, or maybe not to the degree I am. If he was in fact a born creative, I think he would feel something missing without pursuing any creative interests.

The articles I have read leave out the idea of people being born with a certain set of personality traits with a knack for creativity being one of them. What if everyone was assigned a personality type when they were created like the Myers and Briggs 16 different personality types? It makes sense that I’m an INFJ just from things I remember as a child. I believe this is possible. I think we were all predestined to be a certain type of person and a good percent of our personality was just given to us. Some of our personality is created throughout our lifetime. However, we were all assigned a package of traits at birth, and over time we start to understand those traits and really develop them. Some will change based on life circumstances and some are unchangeable. It’s not based on genetics, but genetics does play a role. Having a knack for creative thinking and a desire to be creative is just one of those traits.

Some people have creative interests due to their predestined personality type and they feel something missing without the opportunity to express their creativity. Then, there’s the people who have this burning passion within them to be creative. Without the opportunity to be creative they feel like there’s a huge gaping hole inside of them. It’s a hole that can only be filled by fulfilling their natural desire to be creative. These people seek out creative opportunities out of need, the same way they need oxygen to breath. This is the category I fall into.

When I was kid I had trouble focusing on anything that didn’t require my creative abilities. There were never any interests of mine that didn’t fall into the creative category. I wanted to be a writer, a singer, but mostly an artist. I tried working at jobs that didn’t require any creativity and along with being lousy at them, I also felt the huge gaping hole inside of me. I found myself constantly daydreaming out of boredom.

It would have mattered if my childhood was different, if my family raised me different, if I had done things differently, I would have still ended up with a burning desire to be creative.

I definitely believe anyone can be creative and anyone can learn to be creative. I don’t think it’s a gift given to some that others can not have. I think a lot of people are creative in ways they don’t even realize. There’s so many different ways to express creativity that we often don’t even see the art that’s right before our eyes. People who design flower gardens, makeup artists, unique home decorations, new ways of organizing a space, new ways of solving problems, ect. There’s creativity all around us.

When I network with people about my business they often ask me what I specialize in. I tell them I don’t. I’m an all-around creative person. I’m creative in all things. It seems like there’s not a lot of people out there like me that are equally interested in just about all things creative. There’s photographers, painters, graphic designers, writers, ect. I don’t have one thing I’m more interested in then everything else. I guess I should have told them creative thinking. Any creative opportunity where I get to be innovative I’m interested in. I love writing just as much as I love graphic design, painting, drawing, and other creative interests. I’m an all-around creative person. I’m creative by nature.

Leo Burnett says, “Creativity about life, in all aspects I think, is still the secret of great creative people.”
That defines me. Whether it is with cooking, decorating, organizing, planning, or something else I exhibit my creativity.

I believe there is a correlation between a born creative person’s brain being wired differently and being assigned a creative personality type. They are one within the same.

I am a born creative. How about you? What do you believe?