Lately I find myself daydreaming about that day in the distant future where I will shout out “I’m highly sensitive” without any regard for what people might think of it. I will flood my social media with posts on what it’s about, what it means to me, the pain it’s caused me growing up and maybe I’ll find some way to help others. I’ll share a big part of who I am. Unless something truly dramatic happens in my life that day is far, far away.
You might think I’m the type of person to share a lot of what’s going on inside my head, but I’m actually the complete opposite. I’m an extremely private person, who rarely shares their emotions with anyone.
When I was younger I never shared my emotions with anyone, even my parents, I guess I thought they wouldn’t be able to understand. Although, I had a couple trustworthy friends to share things with who were sensitive too. But, I still shared less than both of them combined. I learned at an early age to hide my sensitivity and to do whatever it takes to not let anyone see it. Partly because I thought it was a flaw at the time. Now I accept it, but still fear what others don’t know and don’t understand.
What scares me the most is that I have very deep feelings toward the concept of sensitivity. I have very deep feelings in general being sensitive, but I feel deeply about all the trauma I’ve had in my life related to my sensitivity. I worry that people won’t understand how deeply it effects me. Why would they?
Lately, almost everyday, I think about how I’m highly sensitive and how it’s continuing to make life more difficult than normal. I don’t look at myself in a negative way, but instead project negative thoughts toward the rest of the world. I get angry about people who don’t think things through enough and people in politics making a mess out of things. I get made about how most of the population judges people who are introverted and sensitive unfairly. I get mad about the people from my past who hurt my views of myself. Even those who are introverted, because they don’t understand it and think it’s a flaw, they spend time trying to be an extrovert. I even get mad at fate for taking away my part-time job and sabotaging my health. I worry about being faced with people who will turn to me and say “Stop blaming the rest of the world for how you feel.” And I would say, “Never, I already blamed myself for about 25+ years of my life.” I’ve punished myself enough for other people’s wrongful mistakes. Not many people like being around a person with low-self esteem, a lack of confidence, and little self worth. But, that wasn’t my fault. Thank you world. I had to suffer for other people’s mistakes and unfair judgement. I still suffer for it because I don’t want to be wrongly labeled and misunderstood. I know the world is still lacking knowledge and unfairly judging the introverts and sensitives of the world. I just don’t have it in me yet to fight back in an epic way. But, someday I will. Someday when I’m actually quite successful I’ll help others, write a book, and stop hiding all of my deep side from the world. When the world has crushed you over and over again and you still stand up and fight for what you want, still continue down your determined path, you earn the right to blame the world for things never going your way. You have the right to blame society as a whole as long as you keep on fighting.
BUT CHANGE IS COMING! I can’t wait for the movie “Sensitive: The Untold Story.” I’m excited to see what kind of an impact it will have. I’m excited to see it myself and feel what others have gone through being sensitive. I’m anxious to watch it with my husband and see how he feels about it. I’m anxious for people to have some understanding of what it means to be sensitive.