Finding Peace and Meaning in my Life

I’m always searching for meaning in my life. I’m always thinking: “What else is out there?”, “What am I destined to do?”, “How can I make the most out of my life?”, “Does my life have any real meaning yet?”, “What could I be missing?”

Being the best wife in the world has always been my number one goal in life, and I feel like I’m succeeding at that most days. Being a Mom to two cute and cuddly siamese cats has been awesome. I could have found better fur babies to love. Having a best friend that understands me and accepts everything about me is completely amazing. No topics are off limits as far as conversations go. Some people will go their who lives without experiencing that kind of friendship. I have plenty more friends and some good family. Starting my own business has felt right from the start, and I feel it has a ton of potential. I’m lucky.

Awhile back I mentioned that I am a Christian, but felt a bit lost in the whole thing. I grew up in a church where I never fit in and felt like I belonged. Even though I made friends many of those friendships faded. Now it’s been almost a year at my new church and I could be happier with it. I sincerely thought church was supposed to be boring and feel like torture, until I stumbled upon my new church. Now I actually enjoy church, but wouldn’t mind a few less songs.

My new church made me realize that I’m supposed to have a relationship with God. I wasn’t sure I really knew what that meant. I always find it a bit odd when people talk about God as if they had a real face-to-face conversation with him. It has actually has made me feel uncomfortable in the past. Like maybe these people are religious nut jobs! Now I still find it odd, but I don’t judge them for it. I don’t judge because I realize that I haven’t made the effort to truly find out what it means to have a relationship with God. Digging deeper into religion and talking about it with other people is an uncomfortable area for me. However, I know that I have to do things that I’m afraid of once in awhile to grow as a person. So, I started this course called ALPHA that goes through the basics of Christianity. So far I’ve learned a lot and have met a lot of really nice people. I’ve even started reading from a devotional book each day. It’s been a real positive way to start the day.

I haven’t achieved my major goal though. My major goal right now in my life is to learn how to really trust in God that things will just work out in my life, and therefore I will have less highly sensitive emotional stress attacks. I’m not really sure what to call them, but my whole body becomes fearful of the world and I become a very negative version of myself. I start to feel like life is too hard and it’s just not going to get easier. My mind and body kind of enter a state of panic. I start to think everything in life is too overwhelming and the world is working against me. Sometimes I even think I’m not going to survive 5o some years on this planet. It’s awful, and I know in my mind that I have no reason to feel that way. When I finally get over this emotional attack I’m then left in a state of anger for feeling that way in the first place. Then, I worry about it happening again. I’m not sure if that’s just a normal thing for highly sensitive people or it has something to do with my childhood.

The thing is I’ve been taking really good care of myself too. I don’t even put my self in situations that are too overwhelming anymore. I make sure to plan out my life so that I have enough time by myself and enough time with other people. I make sure I have time to take breaks during my work day and rarely overload myself with work. Still I have these emotional attacks. However, I firmly believe that if I keep working at it I will be able to sail through life rarely worrying and stressing over anything. That’s the ultimate goal. Any thoughts?

Spinning Around in Circles

I’m spinning around in circles and whenever I feel like I’m going somewhere I fall back down and it starts all over again. This sentence was taken from my high school self, and I just thought of it again today. This applies to more than one area and more than one aspect of my life. First, my desire to think positive and not let the world get me down. Second, the direction my life is going. Spinning

Being positive right now is a very complicated task for me. I can handle my struggles of being an entrepreneur pretty well because I have no doubt that it’s my destiny to go down that road. I can handle the fact that I have pain in my stomach and frequent headaches. I will find a way to conquer that. I’ve handled the fact that we haven’t had money to put into savings in a really long time. What I can’t handle is the healthcare bills that are going to hold us back (possibly a year) from getting to a place where we can say were doing financially well. I don’t think I’ve mentioned it yet, but my husband had stomach issues too. He had to have a really expensive test and now we have to pay a good chunk of his healthcare deductible along with my whole deductible. Plus there’s money going into my business and not yet coming out. I feel like my life is operating in circles with a constant struggle of pushing forward, and then being pulled forcefully backward.

I find myself feeling all the same emotions I did two years ago. I have to force myself not to blame myself for all our financial hardships. I have to stop myself from blaming my parents for not raising me better, understanding my sensitivity, or noticing how lost and alone I felt in this world for so many years. I sometimes feel like I’m living a life I’ve already lived. It’s weird because I felt that way when I went to college — I could sense all the struggles and stress I would face and it felt like I had already done it. I experienced it emotionally in some way before it had even happened. It’s really hard to explain.

I know being stressed won’t help me. I know dwelling on the past won’t help me. I know the only thing I can do is keep on working hard and staying motivated. I just think for most people that’s easier because it’s not the story of their life. It is the story of my life: a constant battle to succeed, feeling like I’m moving forward, something catastrophic happens, and I’m right back where I started. I know there’s people who have it worse and I try to remember that. I just only know what it feels like to be me.

I read in this book that your either happy or your not. There is not sort of, some days I am, some days I’m not. Your either happy or your miserable. I guess that makes sense, but I don’t want to believe it. If we accept this as the truth I’m not certain if I’ve ever been really happy for more than a few months at a time (if even that) since I was like 5. But, honestly I can’t be certain. I’m not sure I like this theory because it makes me think “Why try then?” I think a lot of people see me as happy because I make an effort to be. I enjoy my weekends and time spent with my husband and friends.

I know I wrote a post recently on being positive so I’m supposed to be in a really positive place, but I don’t want to sugarcoat the way I’m feeling, and when I pretend I start to feel guilty about it after awhile. You have to know that things have gone wrong that I’ve accepted and turned back to a positive view, and then more things have gone wrong, but I still chose to be positive, and then again more things have gone wrong and now I’m just trying to stay afloat. I know life is suppose to teach us lessons and bad things usually happen for a reason. So, if the reason is to turn me into a stronger person I think that’s probably happening. I’ve learned to be positive in a lot of extremely difficult situations. If some people only knew how hard my life has been + how sensitive I am + how hard things were for me just in the last couple months they might wonder how I manage to get out of bed in the morning. Of course, there are people who deal with a lot worse.

My birthday is coming. Every year on my birthday for about the last 6 years I contemplate if I’m at the point I want to be in my life for turning that age. I’ve always had goals for myself and they haven’t been anything outrageous. Well around this time last year was when my hours were cut at my part time job that I was going to keep while I went into business for myself. I knew then my job would end. I cried on my birthday because I felt like I wasn’t where I wanted to be for turning another year older. This year I’m not where I want to be in my life, but at least I have my own business like I wanted since I was in college. This year my only goal is to not cry on my birthday. So I coaxed my husband into buying me tickets for this awesome show because I get really happy whenever I get to do something new and exciting. And I’m waiting to do my crazy diet plan that might cure my stomach issues. I think I can manage not to cry.

I sometimes just still feel like a lost kid trying to navigate her way through a big scary world. Except, I’m so much smarter then people realize. I consider myself wiser than a lot of people twice my age. Because I’m an introspective, INFJ whose always reading and learning. Because I see the world differently and feel everything deeper.

I feel like crying right now not out of sadness or pain but just the feeling of being completely engulfed in all my emotions and being able to understand them so clearly. I’m sitting in the screen porch with the wind blowing on me and there’s nothing else I would rather do then just keep on typing and writing out everything I’m feeling. But, I think that’s enough for today.

The Day I Share My Sensitivity with the World

Lately I find myself daydreaming about that day in the distant future where I will shout out “I’m highly sensitive” without any regard for what people might think of it. I will flood my social media with posts on what it’s about, what it means to me, the pain it’s caused me growing up and maybe I’ll find some way to help others. I’ll share a big part of who I am. Unless something truly dramatic happens in my life that day is far, far away.

You might think I’m the type of person to share a lot of what’s going on inside my head, but I’m actually the complete opposite. I’m an extremely private person, who rarely shares their emotions with anyone.

When I was younger I never shared my emotions with anyone, even my parents, I guess I thought they wouldn’t be able to understand. Although, I had a couple trustworthy friends to share things with who were sensitive too. But, I still shared less than both of them combined. I learned at an early age to hide my sensitivity and to do whatever it takes to not let anyone see it. Partly because I thought it was a flaw at the time. Now I accept it, but still fear what others don’t know and don’t understand.

What scares me the most is that I have very deep feelings toward the concept of sensitivity. I have very deep feelings in general being sensitive, but I feel deeply about all the trauma I’ve had in my life related to my sensitivity. I worry that people won’t understand how deeply it effects me. Why would they?

Lately, almost everyday, I think about how I’m highly sensitive and how it’s continuing to make life more difficult than normal. I don’t look at myself in a negative way, but instead project negative thoughts toward the rest of the world. I get angry about people who don’t think things through enough and people in politics making a mess out of things. I get made about how most of the population judges people who are introverted and sensitive unfairly. I get mad about the people from my past who hurt my views of myself. Even those who are introverted, because they don’t understand it and think it’s a flaw, they spend time trying to be an extrovert. I even get mad at fate for taking away my part-time job and sabotaging my health. I worry about being faced with people who will turn to me and say “Stop blaming the rest of the world for how you feel.” And I would say, “Never, I already blamed myself for about 25+ years of my life.” I’ve punished myself enough for other people’s wrongful mistakes. Not many people like being around a person with low-self esteem, a lack of confidence, and little self worth.  But, that wasn’t my fault. Thank you world. I had to suffer for other people’s mistakes and unfair judgement. I still suffer for it because I don’t want to be wrongly labeled and misunderstood. I know the world is still lacking knowledge and unfairly judging the introverts and sensitives of the world. I just don’t have it in me yet to fight back in an epic way. But, someday I will. Someday when I’m actually quite successful I’ll help others, write a book, and stop hiding all of my deep side from the world. When the world has crushed you over and over again and you still stand up and fight for what you want, still continue down your determined path, you earn the right to blame the world for things never going your way. You have the right to blame society as a whole as long as you keep on fighting.

BUT CHANGE IS COMING! I can’t wait for the movie “Sensitive: The Untold Story.” I’m excited to see what kind of an impact it will have. I’m excited to see it myself and feel what others have gone through being sensitive. I’m anxious to watch it with my husband and see how he feels about it. I’m anxious for people to have some understanding of what it means to be sensitive.

If The Earth Doesn’t Swallow Me Whole: Waiting on A Sign of Something Good to Come

I can keep my head above water when a lot of stressful and unfortunate things happen. I can because I’ve had a lot of practice. Except when one large piece is added, then all my positive feelings tumble down like a Jenga tower collapsing all the way down to the basetree-407256_1280.

I worry about myself, I do. At this point in my life with so many things going wrong I have a hard time really enjoying the happy moments. The moments I plan to keep me distracted from the bad stuff. The moments that usually cost money when I’m financially suffering. I have so many great friends and family to spend time with. I have to keep on planning fun activities, I can’t let the summer pass me by. I need to enjoy it.

Then I get angry with myself for not being able to let go of everything wrong and just let all the good moments flood in. I think about how much easier it would be for someone who is not a sensitive soul. And I start thinking: Why me? Why hasn’t my life gotten any easier when I’m so determined to be successful and follow my dreams? Every year I think, this is going to be the year when I’m happy in my career and doing great financially. And time keeps going by, weeks pass, months pass, and things never seem to look up.

I know I’m in a better place with a stronger self-esteem then ever before, but realizing the type of person I am and knowing that I need to embrace that person doesn’t make life that much easier. The truth is it’s difficult being me. I know there’s maybe a lot of people who think that. However, I really have a very complex personality, a sensitive soul, and past self issues that I can’t change and they make me the person I am today. If I didn’t have my husband, I wouldn’t have anything good or positive in my life. Just about all the good things in my life are because of him.

I don’t have the patience for a lot of things in life. I’m easily irritated when I leave home and forgot to grab something and have to drive 10 minutes back in the wrong direction. I forget little things that I remind myself to do in just a few minutes or less. Things like take dinner out of the freezer my husband reminds me of on the phone and I get off the phone and completely forget. I mean I remember important things related to technology, conversations, plans, and feeding the cats. Just not to do lists in my head. I don’t really like driving much at all. I can’t remember how to get places, and If I do I remember how to visually get there. I have to explain the visual directions on how to get somewhere to my husband to ask if that’s the right way. I think it’s because driving is too overwhelming for me. I also think because on a daily basis I have to deal with numerous thoughts and all the feelings associated with those thoughts, so driving and remembering little tasks doesn’t come easy to me. Maybe my brain is just operating and doing more than the average persons. Sometimes I just have bad anxiety about doing something annoying and/or tedious in my life.

I also can’t stand to have meaningless conversations with people over and over again. I was horrible at customer service and the worst waitress in the world. On top of that I can’t handle anything tedious for too long and to me customer service is tedious. To me tedious is anything where my creative brain is not being utilized at all. So it’s safe to say that most of my former bosses didn’t really like me, but the feeling was mutual. Even writing all day to me is tedious, drawing all day, creating graphics, and brainstorming creative ideas. They are all creative, but I get sick of just one creative task. I want to do all of them in one day. I need to keep switching tasks and I need to always be learning. I realized that more than ever when my last position I got bored after I finally learned everything there was to learn even with 4-6 different creative tasks a day. I am literally a born entrepreneur! Just like an Einstein or a Steve Jobs I think differently and don’t quite fit in.

I know there’s a lot of creative people out there and a lot of creative opportunities. The problem with me is I’m a born creative and desire creativity in every aspect of my life. That means I want to not only create things in my job, but also have a creative home, creative fashion, creative adventures, creative food, creative house, and so on. So I say it again, it is really difficult being me, and when I try to be anything but me I fail miserable in life.

Sometimes I just wonder if I’m going to be able to survive being me till I’m like 90. I know if something really tragic were to happen in my life it’s likely I will fall into a deep depression. (Am I already depressed for writing this?) But, maybe it’s me who’s not meant to live a whole life. Maybe the earth will open up and swallow me whole. I am religious and I do believe in God so that won’t be my choice. Sometimes I think death isn’t that scary, life is, and heaven will be great. Will the world be okay without me? or will I need a psychiatrist at some point? or will I get to follow my creative dreams and maybe be making riches beyond my wildest dreams?

I think all the time, I could do something amazing with my creative abilities if only I had the money to invest in some or all of my ideas. It takes money to make money, and I might have to try again at another job where I don’t belong just to get that money. I just really need to keep my self esteem from crashing.amazing-736885_1280

I know who I am and I really do just want to be me, but it’s really hard when things never seem to go my way.

I’m just not sure I believe the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, but I think I believe that one day something really good is going to happen in my life. And I’m praying for it. Just a sign of something good to come would be great!

I guess I feel better just pouring all my thoughts onto this blank page.

Handling Health Issues as a Highly Sensitive Person

I’ve been pretty lucky throughout my life when it comes to my health. I rarely get sick. When I do it’s usually a cold that doesn’t last more than a week. I’ve only had some form of the flu three times in my life, and that’s all within the last three years. I have had several injuries in my lifetime, and a good handful were definitely me being reckless.

I don’t handle pain really well. I never have. I know it’s natural to get sick every once in awhile, but to my emotions it’s like the apocalypse has come. My emotions tend to take control over my thoughts and I worry that I won’t get better. If I have to go to the doctor because I’m not sure why I’m in pain, I’m always concerned I’m going to be diagnosed with something life threatening. This scenario has only happened two or three times, but to me that’s too many.

Part of the problem is that I believe something bad is going to happen because I’ve been floating through life with barely any real illnesses. I worry my turn is coming. The second half of the problem is because I haven’t been sick a lot, I don’t know how to handle being seriously sick. To people who have had the flu multiple times it all seems quite normal, but to me it’s like the end of the world as we know it.

I know being highly sensitive there’s a good possibility that I probably feel pain more. I know for a fact I feel the pain more emotionally and mentally than other people, if not also physically. There are days when my mind will wonder into a very dark place, where I just don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I think deep down the thing that bothers me the most is how difficult life is already being highly sensitive. When I’m sick, it’s like, I can’t function even slightly at the same rate of everyone else. I do feel like life in general is more complicated for me because I’m highly sensitive. I don’t want to feel that way, but I do. Being sick and having to sit around and do nothing is the worst. I hate sitting in front of the TV for hours, and I don’t like relying on someone else to take care of me. I just end up angry at myself for getting sick in the first place.

I got the stomach flu for the first time at the end of March. It was one of the worst sicknesses I’ve ever had to endure. It did feel like the end of the world at times, and what’s worse is the pain didn’t completely go away. My husband tried to convince me that it would go away on it’s own, but it didn’t. A month later, I went to the doctor — all worried — and they told me I had gastritis. After two weeks of taking medicine for it, it didn’t get better. I went back again, they ran some tests and I received a different medication. The first time they didn’t tell me what foods or drinks to avoid. Now, all of a sudden I have to give up coffee, orange juice, and liquor. I have, and now I’m getting headaches from the lack of caffeine and my energy levels are low. I’ve never had any real energy without caffeine. My level of anger for getting sick in the first place, dealing with crumby doctors, and being in pain is increasing.

I worry about whether it will go away this time. I feel like being highly sensitive and having to deal with this is much more then I can handle for moving forward with my business. I just want to feel like my normal self again.

I keep thinking the world doesn’t understand. It’s hard enough just for me to be me without being sick.

Why There’s a Problem with our Education Systems

I have constant recurring dreams that I have gone back to college or high school. I used to really hate these dreams, but now they no longer bother me.

I’m not entirely sure why I have this dream, but it is rarely a good dream. I end up either late to class or I forgot to do my homework. I dream of having to redo a year of school because I didn’t take some course I was supposed to take. I read this is a popular dream for people to have, but I don’t think I’m having these dreams for the same reason.

School was very difficult for me, and I understand now more then ever why it was so hard. I’m not entirely sure how schools can change, but I don’t believe they are set up correctly for introvert personality types and certainly not highly sensitive people. I daydreamed all the time because the crowded classrooms overwhelmed me. Constantly being around other people drained my energy. I hated being called on in class and having to talk in front of the whole classroom. The teachers always gave me hard time because I never spoke loud enough. I had one teacher in elementary school that I still remember to this day, because she always pointed out that I wasn’t paying attention in a room full of students. I tried and I tried in an effort to avoid the humiliation, but I still kept falling into a day dream losing sight of all reality. But, she was wrong for treating me that way, it was unfair for her to embarrass me for something I had so little control over. I felt like there was something wrong with me all the time, and now I know it’s the school systems that are wrong, and perhaps some of the teachers.board-361516_1280

I faced other problems with taking tests. I never could finish a test in the allocated time limit and often had to stay after class. Sometimes I would end up staying after into the next class. It was embarrassing at times, but I was committed to putting in my very best effort with each test.

I always struggled with Math, Science, and History. I had to study many long hours in order to get good grades. I wonder now if maybe it wasn’t what I was learning, but how I was learning it. I read a great article about being an entrepreneur and a kid told their parent, “Why do I have to memorize all this information for a test, if I’m just gong to dump it from my brain later?” I wouldn’t have a good response to that question even if it was my kid. Because I agree. I don’t entirely believe in tests. I also think people would learn a lot more about how to succeed in life if they learned how to operate a business – just like the article mentioned.

I’m friends with a bunch of teachers and I hear the stories about all the tests kids have to take now, and how they are losing their recess and free time to just play and release energy. I’m extremely upset by this! I honestly can’t imagine having a kid and having to accept the way schools are now. I read an article recently on the most productive workers and it said they take frequent breaks: 17 minutes for every 52 minutes of work. In the article it lists ways to waste time properly such as taking a walk, chatting with a colleague, taking a nap, surfing the net, daydreaming, and meditating. I started taking the advice in the article and incorporating more breaks into my working day and I did notice the difference that it made. If adults need these breaks, of course kids do.

I had all these dreams as a child about when I grew up. How I would find the right path for me, and how I would feel accepted, valued, and apart of something emotionally fulfilling. When I had to face the real world, I realized it was nothing like I imagined and nothing like my parents and teachers made the world out to be. It was all just one big struggle after another, with the exception of my happy marriage.

I think my dreams are a reminder that I’m no longer trapped by society’s systems that are not meant for people like me (introverted and highly sensitive type). And I don’t have to go back down that road ever again, I can make the choice not to. I don’t have to be a part of any classroom lecture, or any corporation again that will make me feel undervalued.

The future is my own.

Movies Dramatic Affect on a Highly Sensitive Person

After I became a bit older and wiser, I made a firm decision to avoid horror movies almost completely. I was sick of losing sleep over a movie or having nightmares about it. It’s not worth it when only 1 out of 30 (maybe 40) films are actually good. I made this decision before I knew I was highly sensitive. I’ve protected myself many ways in the past without understanding why I needed to.popcorn-155602_1280

The only reason I watch any type of horror film in the first place is for the suspense and mystery. So once in awhile, I will make an exception if the movie trailer is exciting, but before I watch anything I search for it on IMDB.com for a rating of 6.5 or higher (this is my own reference for how good a movie is and it’s usually pretty accurate). I hate predictable, gory, bloody, or just plain scary movies. I can’t stand bloody films because I automatically visualize myself in the situation and the pain the character is going through. The worst are the one’s with no real ending, or an ending where every main character is dead and then the credits roll.

If there’s no real ending I sit up at night trying to figure out how it should of ended. I contemplate what would be a sensible ending, I wonder what ending the writer may of thought of using instead, I analyze character flaws, and I analyze flaws the writer made. I also replay parts of the movie in my mind. Sometimes I even go online to read what other people said about the ending. Without an end the story is still going on inside my head, and it’s very difficult to turn off.

When everyone is dead in the end, I feel depressed. It’s the same with drama films. I avoid them unless I think it’s a touching romantic story, and in that case I look up spoilers to see how the movie ends. I can’t watch any romance drama movie where one of the main characters dies at the end of the movie. Who knows that could be my life someday. The way I look at it  — the real world is cruel enough — movies that end in a depressing way are just a reminder of that. I’ve heard people say that they like it when movies are true to real life. But, I honestly feel the cruelty in the world quite enough, thank you very much. Maybe I’m just feeling enough for those people and myself. Lucky me.

Sometimes the movies that keep me from falling asleep at night don’t fit into one of my predefined categories and are quite unexpected. Two nights ago, I was up tossing and turning after watching the movie “Gone Girl.” The ending left me feeling depressed about life. *SPOILER ALERT* I honestly think I would of slept better if the girl in the end was behind bars. If you haven’t seen it and don’t plan on seeing it, the movie was about a woman who was trying to frame her husband for her murder, but she wasn’t really dead. The media or detectives didn’t figure out she was framing him. Toward the end, after she commits a murder and blames it on self defense, she comes back home and the husband has to pretend to love her for the sake of the media. She also ends up pregnant with his baby, so he decides to stay with her. That’s the short summary.

Maybe I’ve watched too many detective shows to appreciate this ending. There were many holes in the story, for an example it didn’t even seem like her self defense story was actually investigated. Maybe there’s more details in the book. Anyway, it didn’t matter in the end how much I enjoyed the twists and crazy story line that unfolded, it still left a bad taste in my mouth. It kept my eyes wide open at night making me contemplate how cruel and evil the world is. I know it’s just a movie, but there’s a lot of crazy people out in the world, and I know there are people trapped in relationships that they don’t know how to escape from. Relationships that are abusive in nature. And the end of the story just left all the main characters feeling trapped. I can usually handle violent, action packed films quite well. Even tear jerking movies as long as they end well. But, what I can’t handle is when a movie takes away “hope,” the one thing that people rely on in the real world to get out of a difficult situation.

It also bothered me that the story never really revealed why the woman was basically a complete psycho. The movie hinted at a reason, but didn’t really reveal one. So I was also up contemplating why she was a psycho, as if that would have helped me to feel better about the ending. *END OF SPOILER ALERT*

When I watch a movie I became part of it. I am the character trying to overcome the obstacles, or at least I feel for the character trying to overcome the obstacles. So, when a character feels hopeless in the end, I feel it too, I feel the hopelessness that comes from living my life.

I watch movies to be sent to another world, to be a part of something incredibly different, to be reminded of positive and fun things in the world. Sometimes just to learn something new, but never to feel the pain and suffering in the world without some sign of hope. There are some movies that I’m truly disgusted by the fact that people actually watch them. How about you?

Movies can have a dramatic affect on me, but it’s usually positive because I know which ones to avoid.

Alone

100_2754I used to feel lonely in a crowded room, on a trip with my family, in school surrounded by other classmates, and those were situations where I wasn’t alone, not at all, not even slightly. I was an overwhelmed, introvert, who always felt out of place. The truth is I never had enough alone time when I was growing up. Even when I wanted alone time, I wasn’t granted it because my Mom didn’t understand my need for it. She was an extreme extrovert. Then, my sophomore year of college I got more alone time then I knew what to do with. My roommate moved out and I had the dorm room to myself. It was difficult, and I heavily relied on my television that was never working right to keep me company.

In my first year of marriage, I was jobless for awhile. I had the apartment to myself for 8 hours everyday; I was lonely. I hated it because the more time I spent alone, the more I would beat myself up inside. I finally had time alone, and all I could do was feel sorry for myself and feel the pain of being me. And when I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself, I was instead feeling anger toward my parents for trying to control my life.

Having barely any self-confidence, just makes life feel impossible. Now, it’s been 2 years since I’ve turned my views completely around. Now, when bad things happen and I’m disappointed by life I remember “the world is cruel, and harsh, and unfair,” it’s not me that’s the problem. With this thought in mind, I no longer have self destructive thoughts.

I used to be alone and it scared me. Now, when I’m alone it’s like a breath of fresh air. I rarely feel lonely. I don’t sit around feeling sorry for myself, or feeling bad about who I am. I see everyday as an opportunity to create something,  to learn something, to start building my own business, and my own future. Now, I can sit for hours in complete silence and be completely content. I used to need the sound of music or television, and now all I need is the sound of my cat meowing at me once in awhile and I don’t feel alone. Now, I’m more productive.

It amazes me how far I have come; from once believing I was trapped by who I was and trapped by my past, to now feeling empowered by who I am and who I can be. Now, all the things that people have made me feel bad about myself for are the things that I love about me the most. Now, instead of feeling inadequate and not as smart as the rest of the world, I feel smarter because I know that everything my schools, society, my old church, and family (consciously or unconsciously) made me feel bad about, are actually really awesome personality traits. I love everything about me that the rest of the world decided wasn’t worth anything. It makes me feel powerful. Now, I can even use that wisdom to educate people who are judgmental and have destructive views. Now, I’m alone but no longer lonely.

If you haven’t yet, I recommend reading “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Thinking,” by Susan Cain, I feel like it’s a book everyone should read.

“I deeply treasure my time alone, my solitude, and contentedness with who I am” -Jen

Ugly Places and Uncozy Spaces

Quick! run toward the exit maybe no one will notice! (that’s what I’m thinking, but I don’t).

I’m very particular about the environments I will allow myself to spend time in. Places with weird smells, dirty spaces, tight quarters, old, dingy styles, and damaged pieces, make me feel sick inside. If the place is all of the above I find myself feeling dirty and ugly in the space as if I’m absorbing the essences of it. Even after I leave I’m still not at ease. My mind can’t let go of the time I spent and the feelings I encountered in an uncomfortable place. I find myself yearning for a clean and cozy space or my own place.

One of these ugly places with tight spaces is my parents home, specifically their kitchen. I spent 18 years there, in a space that caused me discomfort and I couldn’t do a single thing to fix it. It never felt like home. Now I limit my time there, remember I’m no longer trapped, and prepare myself mentally in advance.

I don’t know why different spaces have so much of an effect on me, I’m sure it’s partly due to my sensitivity. There’s just no other place or space quite like home.

When I started looking for a house my husband pushed for a fixer upper. I on the other hand wanted something newly remodeled. I needed a space that right away felt warm and inviting. I couldn’t live in the stress and mess of reconstruction. I couldn’t have found something more suitable to my personality and my tastes. There’s definitely room for  a bit of remodeling and it turned out to need a lot of fixes. However, the main rooms in the house are cosmetically pleasing even without the fancy furniture we’ve been unable to purchase. Above all the house is not a cookie cutter home (this was very important to me), there’s not a single house exactly like it.

No matter how tough life gets and how scary the world can be it’s nice to have one place that will always feels like home to me. One place that resembles my creativity and uniqueness that is me.

Feeling Like an Alien in the World

I’ve always felt like an alien in the world ever since I could remember. I’m told that’s normal for INFJ’s. Still, I reach out for some aspects of normal in my life and instead I find myself dwindling further and further away from normal. The more I dive into my complex personality the more I realize how uniquely different I am from everyone else. The more I learn about the culture of the country I live in the more I understand why I’ve felt like an alien and even inferior to others.

The biggest problem I face is my inability to conform to a society where extroversion is valued more than introversion. I can ignore this in every aspect of my life except the career world. It’s a society with so many rules on how a professional should think and react in every given situation. The people with the best oral skills gets the job – the people with the power of persuasion. I’m a better writer then a speaker. But, I hate being told what to do and working for companies closed off to new ideas (which so many of them are). I’m not some radical that won’t listen and conform to company culture, I will, but I’ll hate it. I don’t want to impress people and pretend I’m something I’m not. They say “just be who are in interviews,” yet there’s all kinds of rules about what to say, what not to say, how to act and it’s encouraged to tell white lies. I’m one of the most honest people in this world I can’t stand even telling one little white lie. Everyone tells me that the right job is out there for me, and I honestly don’t agree. Where people tell me to not give up, not understanding that it’s not in my nature to. But, what happens when I get another job? It lasts a year, if I’m lucky, 5 years and then I’m back out there again looking. So, I just keeping working on my skills and building up my skills for being a entrepreneur meanwhile playing the stupid job game.

I know I see the world differently and I want to share my inner perspective with the world in an epic way, but I can’t until I’m successful. People listen to the successful people, people don’t question the successful people.

I learned not only do I have the personality type of an INFJ, but I also have the inventive personality type. I looked at the overlap of jobs for inventive types, INFJ types and HSP’s and found little to no overlap in the type of jobs that would interest me. Any creative adventure on my own just sounds more fun. I embrace my uniqueness, but at the same time find myself jealous of others who have it so easy, who don’t have to work so hard to fit into the world. Having such a complex personality really complicates my career journey and is extra complicated in a difficult economy. I wish sometimes that I wasn’t born to this generation, but I know in time I will find my way. I’m absorbing information like a sponge so that I don’t get left behind in this world. With society no longer having job security gaining new skills and knowledge are the only things I can keep.

I have so many friends living out the normal life with full time jobs, houses and plans for kids (some already pregnant) and I just nod along like I have plans for all that normal stuff too. I only have a couple friends not setting their life up for all the normal stuff. My one and only friend who does think the same way as me lives out of state. Some days I wish I could just feel normal and plan my life out the same way. But, I know normal will always be twice as hard for me being an hsp. So I can’t try to be what society wants me to be, or what I’ve been brought up to believe I should be. There just has to be a another place for me.