Finding Peace and Meaning in my Life

I’m always searching for meaning in my life. I’m always thinking: “What else is out there?”, “What am I destined to do?”, “How can I make the most out of my life?”, “Does my life have any real meaning yet?”, “What could I be missing?”

Being the best wife in the world has always been my number one goal in life, and I feel like I’m succeeding at that most days. Being a Mom to two cute and cuddly siamese cats has been awesome. I could have found better fur babies to love. Having a best friend that understands me and accepts everything about me is completely amazing. No topics are off limits as far as conversations go. Some people will go their who lives without experiencing that kind of friendship. I have plenty more friends and some good family. Starting my own business has felt right from the start, and I feel it has a ton of potential. I’m lucky.

Awhile back I mentioned that I am a Christian, but felt a bit lost in the whole thing. I grew up in a church where I never fit in and felt like I belonged. Even though I made friends many of those friendships faded. Now it’s been almost a year at my new church and I could be happier with it. I sincerely thought church was supposed to be boring and feel like torture, until I stumbled upon my new church. Now I actually enjoy church, but wouldn’t mind a few less songs.

My new church made me realize that I’m supposed to have a relationship with God. I wasn’t sure I really knew what that meant. I always find it a bit odd when people talk about God as if they had a real face-to-face conversation with him. It has actually has made me feel uncomfortable in the past. Like maybe these people are religious nut jobs! Now I still find it odd, but I don’t judge them for it. I don’t judge because I realize that I haven’t made the effort to truly find out what it means to have a relationship with God. Digging deeper into religion and talking about it with other people is an uncomfortable area for me. However, I know that I have to do things that I’m afraid of once in awhile to grow as a person. So, I started this course called ALPHA that goes through the basics of Christianity. So far I’ve learned a lot and have met a lot of really nice people. I’ve even started reading from a devotional book each day. It’s been a real positive way to start the day.

I haven’t achieved my major goal though. My major goal right now in my life is to learn how to really trust in God that things will just work out in my life, and therefore I will have less highly sensitive emotional stress attacks. I’m not really sure what to call them, but my whole body becomes fearful of the world and I become a very negative version of myself. I start to feel like life is too hard and it’s just not going to get easier. My mind and body kind of enter a state of panic. I start to think everything in life is too overwhelming and the world is working against me. Sometimes I even think I’m not going to survive 5o some years on this planet. It’s awful, and I know in my mind that I have no reason to feel that way. When I finally get over this emotional attack I’m then left in a state of anger for feeling that way in the first place. Then, I worry about it happening again. I’m not sure if that’s just a normal thing for highly sensitive people or it has something to do with my childhood.

The thing is I’ve been taking really good care of myself too. I don’t even put my self in situations that are too overwhelming anymore. I make sure to plan out my life so that I have enough time by myself and enough time with other people. I make sure I have time to take breaks during my work day and rarely overload myself with work. Still I have these emotional attacks. However, I firmly believe that if I keep working at it I will be able to sail through life rarely worrying and stressing over anything. That’s the ultimate goal. Any thoughts?

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