I’m spinning around in circles and whenever I feel like I’m going somewhere I fall back down and it starts all over again. This sentence was taken from my high school self, and I just thought of it again today. This applies to more than one area and more than one aspect of my life. First, my desire to think positive and not let the world get me down. Second, the direction my life is going.
Being positive right now is a very complicated task for me. I can handle my struggles of being an entrepreneur pretty well because I have no doubt that it’s my destiny to go down that road. I can handle the fact that I have pain in my stomach and frequent headaches. I will find a way to conquer that. I’ve handled the fact that we haven’t had money to put into savings in a really long time. What I can’t handle is the healthcare bills that are going to hold us back (possibly a year) from getting to a place where we can say were doing financially well. I don’t think I’ve mentioned it yet, but my husband had stomach issues too. He had to have a really expensive test and now we have to pay a good chunk of his healthcare deductible along with my whole deductible. Plus there’s money going into my business and not yet coming out. I feel like my life is operating in circles with a constant struggle of pushing forward, and then being pulled forcefully backward.
I find myself feeling all the same emotions I did two years ago. I have to force myself not to blame myself for all our financial hardships. I have to stop myself from blaming my parents for not raising me better, understanding my sensitivity, or noticing how lost and alone I felt in this world for so many years. I sometimes feel like I’m living a life I’ve already lived. It’s weird because I felt that way when I went to college — I could sense all the struggles and stress I would face and it felt like I had already done it. I experienced it emotionally in some way before it had even happened. It’s really hard to explain.
I know being stressed won’t help me. I know dwelling on the past won’t help me. I know the only thing I can do is keep on working hard and staying motivated. I just think for most people that’s easier because it’s not the story of their life. It is the story of my life: a constant battle to succeed, feeling like I’m moving forward, something catastrophic happens, and I’m right back where I started. I know there’s people who have it worse and I try to remember that. I just only know what it feels like to be me.
I read in this book that your either happy or your not. There is not sort of, some days I am, some days I’m not. Your either happy or your miserable. I guess that makes sense, but I don’t want to believe it. If we accept this as the truth I’m not certain if I’ve ever been really happy for more than a few months at a time (if even that) since I was like 5. But, honestly I can’t be certain. I’m not sure I like this theory because it makes me think “Why try then?” I think a lot of people see me as happy because I make an effort to be. I enjoy my weekends and time spent with my husband and friends.
I know I wrote a post recently on being positive so I’m supposed to be in a really positive place, but I don’t want to sugarcoat the way I’m feeling, and when I pretend I start to feel guilty about it after awhile. You have to know that things have gone wrong that I’ve accepted and turned back to a positive view, and then more things have gone wrong, but I still chose to be positive, and then again more things have gone wrong and now I’m just trying to stay afloat. I know life is suppose to teach us lessons and bad things usually happen for a reason. So, if the reason is to turn me into a stronger person I think that’s probably happening. I’ve learned to be positive in a lot of extremely difficult situations. If some people only knew how hard my life has been + how sensitive I am + how hard things were for me just in the last couple months they might wonder how I manage to get out of bed in the morning. Of course, there are people who deal with a lot worse.
My birthday is coming. Every year on my birthday for about the last 6 years I contemplate if I’m at the point I want to be in my life for turning that age. I’ve always had goals for myself and they haven’t been anything outrageous. Well around this time last year was when my hours were cut at my part time job that I was going to keep while I went into business for myself. I knew then my job would end. I cried on my birthday because I felt like I wasn’t where I wanted to be for turning another year older. This year I’m not where I want to be in my life, but at least I have my own business like I wanted since I was in college. This year my only goal is to not cry on my birthday. So I coaxed my husband into buying me tickets for this awesome show because I get really happy whenever I get to do something new and exciting. And I’m waiting to do my crazy diet plan that might cure my stomach issues. I think I can manage not to cry.
I sometimes just still feel like a lost kid trying to navigate her way through a big scary world. Except, I’m so much smarter then people realize. I consider myself wiser than a lot of people twice my age. Because I’m an introspective, INFJ whose always reading and learning. Because I see the world differently and feel everything deeper.
I feel like crying right now not out of sadness or pain but just the feeling of being completely engulfed in all my emotions and being able to understand them so clearly. I’m sitting in the screen porch with the wind blowing on me and there’s nothing else I would rather do then just keep on typing and writing out everything I’m feeling. But, I think that’s enough for today.