Spinning Around in Circles

I’m spinning around in circles and whenever I feel like I’m going somewhere I fall back down and it starts all over again. This sentence was taken from my high school self, and I just thought of it again today. This applies to more than one area and more than one aspect of my life. First, my desire to think positive and not let the world get me down. Second, the direction my life is going. Spinning

Being positive right now is a very complicated task for me. I can handle my struggles of being an entrepreneur pretty well because I have no doubt that it’s my destiny to go down that road. I can handle the fact that I have pain in my stomach and frequent headaches. I will find a way to conquer that. I’ve handled the fact that we haven’t had money to put into savings in a really long time. What I can’t handle is the healthcare bills that are going to hold us back (possibly a year) from getting to a place where we can say were doing financially well. I don’t think I’ve mentioned it yet, but my husband had stomach issues too. He had to have a really expensive test and now we have to pay a good chunk of his healthcare deductible along with my whole deductible. Plus there’s money going into my business and not yet coming out. I feel like my life is operating in circles with a constant struggle of pushing forward, and then being pulled forcefully backward.

I find myself feeling all the same emotions I did two years ago. I have to force myself not to blame myself for all our financial hardships. I have to stop myself from blaming my parents for not raising me better, understanding my sensitivity, or noticing how lost and alone I felt in this world for so many years. I sometimes feel like I’m living a life I’ve already lived. It’s weird because I felt that way when I went to college — I could sense all the struggles and stress I would face and it felt like I had already done it. I experienced it emotionally in some way before it had even happened. It’s really hard to explain.

I know being stressed won’t help me. I know dwelling on the past won’t help me. I know the only thing I can do is keep on working hard and staying motivated. I just think for most people that’s easier because it’s not the story of their life. It is the story of my life: a constant battle to succeed, feeling like I’m moving forward, something catastrophic happens, and I’m right back where I started. I know there’s people who have it worse and I try to remember that. I just only know what it feels like to be me.

I read in this book that your either happy or your not. There is not sort of, some days I am, some days I’m not. Your either happy or your miserable. I guess that makes sense, but I don’t want to believe it. If we accept this as the truth I’m not certain if I’ve ever been really happy for more than a few months at a time (if even that) since I was like 5. But, honestly I can’t be certain. I’m not sure I like this theory because it makes me think “Why try then?” I think a lot of people see me as happy because I make an effort to be. I enjoy my weekends and time spent with my husband and friends.

I know I wrote a post recently on being positive so I’m supposed to be in a really positive place, but I don’t want to sugarcoat the way I’m feeling, and when I pretend I start to feel guilty about it after awhile. You have to know that things have gone wrong that I’ve accepted and turned back to a positive view, and then more things have gone wrong, but I still chose to be positive, and then again more things have gone wrong and now I’m just trying to stay afloat. I know life is suppose to teach us lessons and bad things usually happen for a reason. So, if the reason is to turn me into a stronger person I think that’s probably happening. I’ve learned to be positive in a lot of extremely difficult situations. If some people only knew how hard my life has been + how sensitive I am + how hard things were for me just in the last couple months they might wonder how I manage to get out of bed in the morning. Of course, there are people who deal with a lot worse.

My birthday is coming. Every year on my birthday for about the last 6 years I contemplate if I’m at the point I want to be in my life for turning that age. I’ve always had goals for myself and they haven’t been anything outrageous. Well around this time last year was when my hours were cut at my part time job that I was going to keep while I went into business for myself. I knew then my job would end. I cried on my birthday because I felt like I wasn’t where I wanted to be for turning another year older. This year I’m not where I want to be in my life, but at least I have my own business like I wanted since I was in college. This year my only goal is to not cry on my birthday. So I coaxed my husband into buying me tickets for this awesome show because I get really happy whenever I get to do something new and exciting. And I’m waiting to do my crazy diet plan that might cure my stomach issues. I think I can manage not to cry.

I sometimes just still feel like a lost kid trying to navigate her way through a big scary world. Except, I’m so much smarter then people realize. I consider myself wiser than a lot of people twice my age. Because I’m an introspective, INFJ whose always reading and learning. Because I see the world differently and feel everything deeper.

I feel like crying right now not out of sadness or pain but just the feeling of being completely engulfed in all my emotions and being able to understand them so clearly. I’m sitting in the screen porch with the wind blowing on me and there’s nothing else I would rather do then just keep on typing and writing out everything I’m feeling. But, I think that’s enough for today.

Learning how to Network Effectively as an Introvert

I really want to get my business going as fast as possible and networking, word-of-mouth, and introducing myself to small local businesses are my best options. But, there’s only so much I can handle before my introverted, sensitive personality starts to get irritated, exhausted, and stressed. I hit that limit this week for sure.

This is definitely a struggle for me because if I network too much I will end up hating my business instead of loving it. If I network too less I won’t be giving my business the exposure it needs. I know I can find a healthy balance, but I do worry over time it’s just going to exhaust me to the point where I would rather be doing anything else. For now I’m staying positive about all the business opportunities out there for me. I know that once I have a couple different clients the networking will get easier and my business will become more fun, and I will eventually receive a lot of business just through referrals.

I don’t necessarily enjoy the networking I do even when I have the energy for it, but I’m convinced that once I start making friends it will get easier and easier. However, I’m absolutely concerned with where people’s heads our at with the design of some of these networking events. I attended one about a month ago that meets every Thursday for an hour and requires each person to pay around $450.00 for a year membership. I asked where the money goes and they informed me that it all goes to the corporate office. Then, they still have to pay for food each week when they meet. So someone chose to form this expensive group and charge people all this money when they could just create a small group of people who want to network and get together on a regular basis for free. I never went back, I never looked back.

There’s other networking groups with costs, but if I know my money is going toward something that I will benefit from directly then that’s another story. Very few networking events I attend are actually enjoyable. I feel like the elevator speeches and presentations are old, stale, and won’t last forever. I feel this is the older generation stuck in old techniques, yet I’m not sure quite yet how it could be done differently.

The Secret to Becoming More Positive and Even Happier

I learned something momentous about being positive this last week. Now I’m working to be more positive!

I know that I’m in control of my happiness and I can make the choice to be happy and seek it out, but that hasn’t been enough to keep me positive. I’ve been in a pretty negative place over the last few months due to my health. I got really angry about having health issues mostly because I was in a really happy and positive place before them. I was angry that life circumstances popped my positive and happy vibes, as if there were little bubbles floating around that I had no control over and no way to protect. I’ve never really had any health issue the lasted more than a couple of weeks so I didn’t handle the situation very well — as you might have sensed from my past blogs.

When all the numerous tests I had were basically done, and I was left with a most likely diagnosis, I knew I needed to focus on being more positive and being happier in order to focus on my business. Instead I felt the complete opposite. Instead I was an emotional mess. Then after a really positive networking experience it hit me — I can’t fix myself unless I fix the negative influence in my life. Sadly, my husband was an extremely negative influence on me. He was in a worse place than me. After being angry and having an emotional meltdown, my husband agreed that he needed to start being more positive. He needed to be more positive for himself, as well as for me. I don’t blame him for being a stressed mess because I’ve been just as bad, if not worse, at certain points in my life. However, enough was enough. We weren’t doing ourselves any favors.

I thought back to when I was in a happier place and what I was doing different and it occurred to me that I was reading a lot of positive and motivational books and articles. So I took my husband to the library and found him some audio books focused on being happier and being more positive. A light switch had already been turned on after I confronted him about his negativity. He decided to be more positive, but listening to the audio book has helped even more.book-863418_1280

Some would laugh at the thought of reading self-help books, listening to CD’s on being more positive or anything of that nature. Some would think it’s for the weak. But, I’m telling you, it’s for everyone! Everyone can benefit from it. There comes a point in everyone’s life where they need it. I read about a lady who listens to that type of thing everyday for an hour. Science shows that a good percentage of our thoughts our negative and focused on the past. People are more easily stressed out these days. It actually makes loads of sense to read or listen to something motivational or positive everyday, or even a couple times a week. I’ve read and heard multiple times from so many people that as an entrepreneur I should be reading new books all the time to learn new things. Once I started really diving into reading books again I noticed a change in the way I felt.

Sure with everything my husband and I have been through we have a right to be stressed out and upset, but we needed to choose not to be. We chose not to be, and chose to seek out inspiration. That doesn’t always work too easily, but there’s a book on just about every problem out there. At some point I stopped reading books on a regular basis. I have never been big on reading, but I like books where I learn something. I now notice having a positive or inspirational book to read really had an impact in my life.

I think the best secret to being more positive is reading books. In the past I’ve tried to verbally provide my husband with motivational and positive lessons, and he has given me some himself. It didn’t help enough though. Even doing activities that made me happy didn’t really help. Spending more time with friends didn’t really help. Trying to help others didn’t really help. Seeking out positive reading and gaining a positive husband did. Seeking it out is key — we had to make the choice to seek out positive vibes, not have someone preach it to us. Also, with us both reading positive things there’s double the chance of us leading a more positive life. That way it isn’t always one person trying to bring the other one up, when the other is down, or worse just bringing each other down.

Lesson 1: Seek out motivational and inspirational books, always be reading something, or have something that you can refer to when your in a negative or stressful place.

Lesson 2: Have your significant other read something too, or whomever your living with because you don’t want them to bring you down, when they could be influencing you positively.

🙂 Hope your feeling some positive vibes. I’m not going to let my positive vibes get popped too easily from now on. I know I might fail, but I’m going to keep reading, and keep trying to be happier.