To Be Haunted

Being as it’s Halloween week I thought I would write a post about being haunted. Sometimes in life there are things that scare you to a point you can’t or don’t know how to come back from. Sometimes you don ‘t even want to put the effort into trying.

I’m haunted by my past growing up as the kid that everyone picked on in elementary school. I still look back in anger that those kids were so incredibly cruel to me. I’m upset that it effected the way I viewed myself for years. I walk by an elementary school and I can still remember all the pain I felt.

I’m haunted by my past living with my Mom who screamed and yelled all the time at my whole family. A person who always had to be in control of things and know everything that’s going on all the time. I remember thinking I’m living with a monster at times. I sometimes have nightmares that I still live under that roof. My self esteem was effected by this too.

My co-worker told me today that she doesn’t celebrate Halloween and doesn’t like Halloween. Of course I was fascinated to know why. She told me a story about when she was a kid – It was dark outside and a creepy face appeared outside her bedroom window and it scared her half to death. It turned out to just be her older brother playing a practical joke on her, but she never got over it. As an adult that would definitely scare me! But, when your a kid your already scared of monsters under your bed. I’m not surprised that it still continues to haunt her.

How do you come back from that especially when your a highly sensitive person? How do you forget that your self esteem was so low because you were the target of bullying? I would like to know. How do you forgive the parents who tormented you throughout your childhood but don’t understand that they did anything wrong to this day?

I’m haunted by my past and the past makes me believe that people look at me and think I’m not capable of any big things. Even though I know I am! I think some things just stay with you forever. But, I would like to think we somehow grow stronger as a person. What do you think?

What are you haunted by?


Living Somewhere in Between Optimistic and Pessimistic

The ideal place to be is somewhere in the middle of being optimistic and pessimistic. I read a great article about why it’s better to be pessimistic, and it had some great points. Since, I’ve been both pessimistic and optimistic in my life I know the advantages of both. That’s when I realized it’s better off to be somewhere in between the two.

The advantages to being pessimistic is that your expectations are lower so when really bad things happen you didn’t hit rock bottom. When you fall down you just dust yourself off and get back up again. You don’t enter a state of denial or bitter anger or dreadful sadness. When things go wrong you know how to handle them – your prepared. You exhibit caution and take precautions. Then, when things do go your way you are even more excited because you weren’t expecting them too. You appreciate that life has it’s high points and it’s low points. Your a realist.

The advantages of being optimistic is you tend to feel less stressed about everyday life because you see the world in a more positive light. Being optimistic promotes happiness. Optimistic people are often more persistent in pushing forward even in the face of failure. This makes them more likely to succeed. When small things go wrong your able to quickly combat them with positive thoughts. You choose to see the good in all the bad – this makes you feel lucky. Your self-confidence and self esteem are also likely to be higher. Your positive outlook maybe contagious.

Obviously there are many more reasons why it’s better to be pessimistic, and reasons why it’s better to be optimistic. But, here’s my argument as to why you want to fall somewhere in the middle. If you can manage to be in the middle you won’t fret about small disappointments in life, you will see the light in the dark and persevere toward accomplishing your dreams and goals. You will be happier. But, at the same time you will be prepared for life’s huge disappointments and know how to handle them.

I’ve been a pretty pessimistic person in most aspects of my life for a long time, and then I somehow stumbled onto the optimistic train and I rid it for quite some time. I enjoyed my ride! I was happier, more satisfied with myself, and my life. I felt capable of big things and I was motivated to achieve them. I loved it! Then, just like I mentioned above something really bad happened and I hit rock bottom. I was unprepared and in a state of shock. I became extremely angry and eventually fell into a state of sadness close to that of depression. My subconscious was telling me something was wrong and I had refused to listen to it.

I’ve been told an important trait for my generation to have is foresight. Foresight is the ability to predict what will happen in the future to help you prepare for it. I knew deep down something wasn’t right and I failed to prepare myself for it emotionally or in any other way. I plunged into the deep pessimistic waters without anything to help me stay afloat. Not only was I angry about the situation, but I was angry that I was emotionally unprepared for it, and angry that my happy optimistic bubble had been popped. I wish I could get back on the optimistic train, but I know now that I can’t go back. I need to anticipate and plan for bad things to happen, because I don’t want to hit rock bottom again when they do happen. I will stay determined to keep on fighting for my dream life while anticipating disappointment and failure.

I will find a way to achieve a healthy balance and maybe that’s where I will find ideal happiness.

The Not So Deep Side of Me

Most of my posts are centered around deep thoughts and feelings, but those are not the only things that define me. I don’t view myself as a person who just fits into a box labeled: INFJ, sensitive, introvert or ect.. Some days I wish I could open up and talk to more people in my life about those aspects of my personality, since I have only two people outside of all of you. However, I do enjoy spending time with people who don’t know about any of the deep aspects of my personality.

So here is more about me:

1. I have two siamese cats that are way too cute and way too spoiled. Every morning before I go to work or go anywhere I pick up and hug my seal point siamese cat Flynn. He always purrs super loud. Every morning I wake up to my lynx point siamese cat Chloe, meowing for food. They are complete opposites but best friends. They are perfect – I wouldn’t change a thing about them.

2. I don’t like comedians because I think if I sat down and took the time to think of some good jokes I could be funny too. (I am funny – by the way) I appreciate people who can add humor into their everyday lives without any preparation.

3. I feel most alive and happy with my life when I’m trying new things and having new experiences. I wish that was more often. (kind of deep..oops)

4. My husband and I started hosting Halloween parties every year for the last 3 years. This year it will be our 2nd Halloween party in our new house. I had to have a house with a big living room partly because I wanted lots of space for parties. I’ve been told are Halloween parties are awesome – I’m very proud of this! Ask me more about them.

5. I love movies and I hate story books. I only read to learn new things. I can’t watch the same movie more than twice in a year. Otherwise, I get bored and space out.

6. I love to bake sweet things and try to bake muffins and a dessert item once a month in Winter. I like to cook, but my husband does too so we cook together or take turns. – I love this about us.

7. This post is actually hard for me to write. I can’t think of interesting things to share without saying something deep. I’m actually shocked by how hard this is for me.

8. I always put earrings in my ears everyday and I don’t know why. I love jewelry and have lots of necklaces and bracelets that I don’t wear that often.

9. I love water – I love long hot showers, baths, swimming pools and hot tubs. I love waterfalls too. Did I mention I have a Sea Doo – personal watercraft? I like lakes too, I would love to live on a lake.

10. I love board games (especially strategy) and I have a collection of games a lot of them I rarely play. But, I have Wii too and play that more often.

This post has made me realize how easy it is for me to write about how I feel about everything, and how hard it is for me to write without putting any emotion into my words. What does that say about me?

The World Overwhelms Me

I’ve mentioned that I’m a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), but I haven’t wrote anything about how it has an impact on my day to day life. I’ve known for most of my life that I was highly sensitive just due to my emotional nature, but I didn’t know or even understand the other factors of being highly sensitive. And for many years I thought it was a flaw I needed to overcome.

When I learned in depth what it meant to be an INFJ I assumed a lot of my more complicated personality attributes were due to that. I was also in a state of denial about being an HSP because I thought I was trying too hard to find explanations for being different. I took an online quiz several times to see if I fit the description of highly sensitive and every time I fit the definition, but that wasn’t enough. So, I finally had my husband take the quiz with me and that’s when I came to the conclusion I was highly sensitive. I still didn’t understand though what it meant and how it had an impact on my life. So, I bought the book on it, and went through a wave of emotions making sense of the past and discovering where I fit into society.

When I was young I was told I was shy by a lot of people and told that I was too sensitive on more than one occasion. I was told this in a sense that it was fault and something that needed to be changed. Well, as it turns out I wasn’t shy, I was just highly sensitive, and being highly sensitive isn’t something that needs to be changed. It’s not a flaw or a weakness it can actually be a strength. Being shy is a fear you develop, but being highly sensitive is often a trait your born with. I’m not quite sure I know whether I was born an HSP or not.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with HSP’s here are some of the traits: You absorb other people’s emotions, your highly empathetic, overwhelmed by bright lights, loud noises and smells, more easily stressed and overwhelmed, rich & complex inner life, deeply moved by arts and music, annoyed when having to do too many things at once, very sensitive to pain and unpleasantly aroused when too much is happening around you.

This trait had a huge impact on my self esteem growing up and helps to explain why it was so low. In our society this trait is misunderstood and not valued even though it’s 15%-20% of the population. However, in China it is a valued trait and people who are sensitive are usually the popular ones. It makes me sad to know this. Luckily, my best friend is an HSP too, which explains why we grew so close as friends. We kind of always had this unspoken understanding that provided a stronger friendship then what other people had. Over the years we have just grown closer with friends even though she has moved across the country.

Growing up my parents would ignore all signs that I was different, even after I tried to convince my Mom with solid facts years later. She wanted me to be normal, so there for to her I was. She blatantly ignored all signs that I wasn’t. It was a difficult childhood at times because my Mom would yell a lot at my sister, my Dad, and I. I hated it when she yelled, it made me absorb all her anger and get angry myself. Yelling to me is pointless, it doesn’t help anything. I used to yell and scream so much when I lived there, and now I can’t remember the last time I raised my voice even a little. In my book it says that you need a strong bond with a parent or else you find it in someone else. I lost comfort and trust that my parents knew what I needed early on, and I felt lost for a long time, but found some comfort in talking with two of my closest friends.

My husband was that close bond I needed. I met my husband long before I understood my personality and how different I was. I was still very much struggling with my self esteem too, but he was completely intrigued by my uniqueness. Even with all my crazy little quirks and crazy in-laws he chose to marry me. He helps me to feel normal. But, also helps me to avoid getting into situations that may overwhelm me. He knows I’m different and that’s what he loves about me.

Feeling flawed for so many years still has an impact on me, but understanding why I am different and knowing there’s other people out there just like me does make it easier. But, I’m struggling lately with my emotions and I’m overwhelmed by stress. I can accept a lot of traits of being an HSP, but being easily stressed really bothers me.

Being Born Instinctively Creative Makes Me Doomed

Warning: this is not one of my positive posts. Stop reading if that’s what your hoping for.

Being a creative person is an inherently a trait I’m stuck with forever. I love being creative it’s by far one of the favorite parts of my personality, but it also the part that dooms me. I can change my attitude and my actions to survive in this world, but I can’t change the fact that I need to do something creative in my work and with my life or else I will feel like a failure and lose sight of who I am.

I’ve been creative since I was a child and I had big dreams about being an artist and selling my work for money. Then, reality set in and I realized how difficult that was, and I didn’t have the confidence to pursue it. But, I do now with time and some job security. Then this week after having a nightmare that I was losing my house and everyone was looking down on me I went to work and was told my hours would be cut. Now I temporarily only have 12 hours a week. I was already struggling money wise and wanted more hours! Now I have less. It’s weird how my subconscious was telling me something was wrong, and I have been so optimistic lately my consciousness had been ignoring it. There’s like no new business coming in, and since I’m in the creative department I’m the one who suffers. I missed blogging last week because I was so focused on my own small creative freelance work that I’m trying to make money on. If I lose this job I will be crushed. Secure part time office jobs are really hard to come by where I live. The job I have now allows me to work part time being creative, and still pursue other dreams. This part time job was suppose to be stable and reliable. I also feel good about myself at this job.

I tried non-creative jobs. Almost every job I’ve had from high school to college and a bit beyond that just made me feel horrible about myself. I was told at this one warehouse job I couldn’t do the picking anymore because I keep messing it up – anything tedious for more than an hour and I start to space out due to boredom. Employers always looked down on me for struggling with these easy jobs. I also did a part time job at a hotel and they let me go in the training process because I was not learning everything fast enough. I even worked placing outbound calls and emails at a company and was targeted for needed some retraining. I tried to write my own responses to some emails I was suppose to reply to with copied text. I kept messing up and costing the company money when I had an email marketing job because it was incredibly tedious. Once I was laid off from that job I promised myself I would find something creative and I struggled for 9 months just to get this part time job.

It’s hard to find jobs that let me be creative in a horrible economy and it’s even worse trying to find a solid job for a creative person. I’m waiting for that one day when everything finally just starts to go my way. Waiting for better tomorrows. Waiting on the world to change.The world is against me and it’s winning! Even with my optimistic attitude and good self-esteem I’m no match for the world’s destructive nature.

I feel like the hulk, I have all this anger all bottled up inside but I’m trying to ignore it, and stop from turning into a monster and destroying stuff. I sincerely feel like breaking something right now.

Being instinctively creative makes me doomed to struggle through life. No matter how determined I am.