I can keep my head above water when a lot of stressful and unfortunate things happen. I can because I’ve had a lot of practice. Except when one large piece is added, then all my positive feelings tumble down like a Jenga tower collapsing all the way down to the base.
I worry about myself, I do. At this point in my life with so many things going wrong I have a hard time really enjoying the happy moments. The moments I plan to keep me distracted from the bad stuff. The moments that usually cost money when I’m financially suffering. I have so many great friends and family to spend time with. I have to keep on planning fun activities, I can’t let the summer pass me by. I need to enjoy it.
Then I get angry with myself for not being able to let go of everything wrong and just let all the good moments flood in. I think about how much easier it would be for someone who is not a sensitive soul. And I start thinking: Why me? Why hasn’t my life gotten any easier when I’m so determined to be successful and follow my dreams? Every year I think, this is going to be the year when I’m happy in my career and doing great financially. And time keeps going by, weeks pass, months pass, and things never seem to look up.
I know I’m in a better place with a stronger self-esteem then ever before, but realizing the type of person I am and knowing that I need to embrace that person doesn’t make life that much easier. The truth is it’s difficult being me. I know there’s maybe a lot of people who think that. However, I really have a very complex personality, a sensitive soul, and past self issues that I can’t change and they make me the person I am today. If I didn’t have my husband, I wouldn’t have anything good or positive in my life. Just about all the good things in my life are because of him.
I don’t have the patience for a lot of things in life. I’m easily irritated when I leave home and forgot to grab something and have to drive 10 minutes back in the wrong direction. I forget little things that I remind myself to do in just a few minutes or less. Things like take dinner out of the freezer my husband reminds me of on the phone and I get off the phone and completely forget. I mean I remember important things related to technology, conversations, plans, and feeding the cats. Just not to do lists in my head. I don’t really like driving much at all. I can’t remember how to get places, and If I do I remember how to visually get there. I have to explain the visual directions on how to get somewhere to my husband to ask if that’s the right way. I think it’s because driving is too overwhelming for me. I also think because on a daily basis I have to deal with numerous thoughts and all the feelings associated with those thoughts, so driving and remembering little tasks doesn’t come easy to me. Maybe my brain is just operating and doing more than the average persons. Sometimes I just have bad anxiety about doing something annoying and/or tedious in my life.
I also can’t stand to have meaningless conversations with people over and over again. I was horrible at customer service and the worst waitress in the world. On top of that I can’t handle anything tedious for too long and to me customer service is tedious. To me tedious is anything where my creative brain is not being utilized at all. So it’s safe to say that most of my former bosses didn’t really like me, but the feeling was mutual. Even writing all day to me is tedious, drawing all day, creating graphics, and brainstorming creative ideas. They are all creative, but I get sick of just one creative task. I want to do all of them in one day. I need to keep switching tasks and I need to always be learning. I realized that more than ever when my last position I got bored after I finally learned everything there was to learn even with 4-6 different creative tasks a day. I am literally a born entrepreneur! Just like an Einstein or a Steve Jobs I think differently and don’t quite fit in.
I know there’s a lot of creative people out there and a lot of creative opportunities. The problem with me is I’m a born creative and desire creativity in every aspect of my life. That means I want to not only create things in my job, but also have a creative home, creative fashion, creative adventures, creative food, creative house, and so on. So I say it again, it is really difficult being me, and when I try to be anything but me I fail miserable in life.
Sometimes I just wonder if I’m going to be able to survive being me till I’m like 90. I know if something really tragic were to happen in my life it’s likely I will fall into a deep depression. (Am I already depressed for writing this?) But, maybe it’s me who’s not meant to live a whole life. Maybe the earth will open up and swallow me whole. I am religious and I do believe in God so that won’t be my choice. Sometimes I think death isn’t that scary, life is, and heaven will be great. Will the world be okay without me? or will I need a psychiatrist at some point? or will I get to follow my creative dreams and maybe be making riches beyond my wildest dreams?
I think all the time, I could do something amazing with my creative abilities if only I had the money to invest in some or all of my ideas. It takes money to make money, and I might have to try again at another job where I don’t belong just to get that money. I just really need to keep my self esteem from crashing.
I know who I am and I really do just want to be me, but it’s really hard when things never seem to go my way.
I’m just not sure I believe the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, but I think I believe that one day something really good is going to happen in my life. And I’m praying for it. Just a sign of something good to come would be great!
I guess I feel better just pouring all my thoughts onto this blank page.