I Hate Faking How I Feel and Lying

I hate pretending that I’m fine when I’m not, even if it’s strangers, even if it’s customer service, even if it’s for the best. It’s worse when I have to smile and say that I’m “great” when really I’m the exact opposite. I hate lying. I can’t even stand to tell a white lie. If I ever lie it’s as close to the truth as possible. When my husband lies it’s the exact opposite and I feel all awkward to be part of his lie, even though there always so small and insignificant. Like when he’s lied about why we were late arriving at a family member’s house. Usually me being open and honest works out pretty good for me. But, I do have to fake how I feel in a lot of situations and it’s extremely difficult sometimes. I can mold myself to fit into many situations based on who I’m with and what I’m doing, but I can’t handle it when I’m in emotional pain. When I’m in emotional pain it takes me a few seconds more to get out those words “I’m g..great..!”

The Day I Share My Sensitivity with the World

Lately I find myself daydreaming about that day in the distant future where I will shout out “I’m highly sensitive” without any regard for what people might think of it. I will flood my social media with posts on what it’s about, what it means to me, the pain it’s caused me growing up and maybe I’ll find some way to help others. I’ll share a big part of who I am. Unless something truly dramatic happens in my life that day is far, far away.

You might think I’m the type of person to share a lot of what’s going on inside my head, but I’m actually the complete opposite. I’m an extremely private person, who rarely shares their emotions with anyone.

When I was younger I never shared my emotions with anyone, even my parents, I guess I thought they wouldn’t be able to understand. Although, I had a couple trustworthy friends to share things with who were sensitive too. But, I still shared less than both of them combined. I learned at an early age to hide my sensitivity and to do whatever it takes to not let anyone see it. Partly because I thought it was a flaw at the time. Now I accept it, but still fear what others don’t know and don’t understand.

What scares me the most is that I have very deep feelings toward the concept of sensitivity. I have very deep feelings in general being sensitive, but I feel deeply about all the trauma I’ve had in my life related to my sensitivity. I worry that people won’t understand how deeply it effects me. Why would they?

Lately, almost everyday, I think about how I’m highly sensitive and how it’s continuing to make life more difficult than normal. I don’t look at myself in a negative way, but instead project negative thoughts toward the rest of the world. I get angry about people who don’t think things through enough and people in politics making a mess out of things. I get made about how most of the population judges people who are introverted and sensitive unfairly. I get mad about the people from my past who hurt my views of myself. Even those who are introverted, because they don’t understand it and think it’s a flaw, they spend time trying to be an extrovert. I even get mad at fate for taking away my part-time job and sabotaging my health. I worry about being faced with people who will turn to me and say “Stop blaming the rest of the world for how you feel.” And I would say, “Never, I already blamed myself for about 25+ years of my life.” I’ve punished myself enough for other people’s wrongful mistakes. Not many people like being around a person with low-self esteem, a lack of confidence, and little self worth.  But, that wasn’t my fault. Thank you world. I had to suffer for other people’s mistakes and unfair judgement. I still suffer for it because I don’t want to be wrongly labeled and misunderstood. I know the world is still lacking knowledge and unfairly judging the introverts and sensitives of the world. I just don’t have it in me yet to fight back in an epic way. But, someday I will. Someday when I’m actually quite successful I’ll help others, write a book, and stop hiding all of my deep side from the world. When the world has crushed you over and over again and you still stand up and fight for what you want, still continue down your determined path, you earn the right to blame the world for things never going your way. You have the right to blame society as a whole as long as you keep on fighting.

BUT CHANGE IS COMING! I can’t wait for the movie “Sensitive: The Untold Story.” I’m excited to see what kind of an impact it will have. I’m excited to see it myself and feel what others have gone through being sensitive. I’m anxious to watch it with my husband and see how he feels about it. I’m anxious for people to have some understanding of what it means to be sensitive.

Is it possible that some people are born creative?

Yes. I believe I am and I doubt anyone can change my mind about it. One article I read argues whether all people are born creative or just learn to be later in life. I completely disagree with this viewpoint. I think some people are inherently born creative, while others learn to be creative later in life. I think my brain is naturally wired to think creatively.

Growing up I wasn’t pushed into any creative activities. I looked for ways to be creative. I would draw, do crafts, and build things without any influence from my friends or family. My sister was not creative with anything. It was just me. My dad loved to draw when he was younger, so maybe I inherited some creativity from him. But, he decided against a creative career and he doesn’t really have any creative hobbies. I don’t think he was born creative, or maybe not to the degree I am. If he was in fact a born creative, I think he would feel something missing without pursuing any creative interests.

The articles I have read leave out the idea of people being born with a certain set of personality traits with a knack for creativity being one of them. What if everyone was assigned a personality type when they were created like the Myers and Briggs 16 different personality types? It makes sense that I’m an INFJ just from things I remember as a child. I believe this is possible. I think we were all predestined to be a certain type of person and a good percent of our personality was just given to us. Some of our personality is created throughout our lifetime. However, we were all assigned a package of traits at birth, and over time we start to understand those traits and really develop them. Some will change based on life circumstances and some are unchangeable. It’s not based on genetics, but genetics does play a role. Having a knack for creative thinking and a desire to be creative is just one of those traits.

Some people have creative interests due to their predestined personality type and they feel something missing without the opportunity to express their creativity. Then, there’s the people who have this burning passion within them to be creative. Without the opportunity to be creative they feel like there’s a huge gaping hole inside of them. It’s a hole that can only be filled by fulfilling their natural desire to be creative. These people seek out creative opportunities out of need, the same way they need oxygen to breath. This is the category I fall into.

When I was kid I had trouble focusing on anything that didn’t require my creative abilities. There were never any interests of mine that didn’t fall into the creative category. I wanted to be a writer, a singer, but mostly an artist. I tried working at jobs that didn’t require any creativity and along with being lousy at them, I also felt the huge gaping hole inside of me. I found myself constantly daydreaming out of boredom.

It would have mattered if my childhood was different, if my family raised me different, if I had done things differently, I would have still ended up with a burning desire to be creative.

I definitely believe anyone can be creative and anyone can learn to be creative. I don’t think it’s a gift given to some that others can not have. I think a lot of people are creative in ways they don’t even realize. There’s so many different ways to express creativity that we often don’t even see the art that’s right before our eyes. People who design flower gardens, makeup artists, unique home decorations, new ways of organizing a space, new ways of solving problems, ect. There’s creativity all around us.

When I network with people about my business they often ask me what I specialize in. I tell them I don’t. I’m an all-around creative person. I’m creative in all things. It seems like there’s not a lot of people out there like me that are equally interested in just about all things creative. There’s photographers, painters, graphic designers, writers, ect. I don’t have one thing I’m more interested in then everything else. I guess I should have told them creative thinking. Any creative opportunity where I get to be innovative I’m interested in. I love writing just as much as I love graphic design, painting, drawing, and other creative interests. I’m an all-around creative person. I’m creative by nature.

Leo Burnett says, “Creativity about life, in all aspects I think, is still the secret of great creative people.”
That defines me. Whether it is with cooking, decorating, organizing, planning, or something else I exhibit my creativity.

I believe there is a correlation between a born creative person’s brain being wired differently and being assigned a creative personality type. They are one within the same.

I am a born creative. How about you? What do you believe?

Haven’t Dropped off the Face of the Planet: Millennial Struggles

I’m still here. I feel horrible that it’s been so long since I’ve written a blog post. No worries, I still love my blog and love engaging with my followers. Just busy battling all of lives “wonderful” (sarcasm) challenges.

I tend to forget that as a millennial, I’m part of the most stressed out generation ever! — in all of history. I forget until my husband reminds me and then I add it to my list of things to be stressed out about. I have a pretty good list going. I have found the best way to handle that stress is to focus on each minute of the day as it passes and to ignore the big picture. It doesn’t always work, but sometimes it does.

There’s these charts that they hand out to people when their unemployed and the chart has a line showing what you expect to happen with your career and it’s a perfect diagonal (always moving up the ladder and growing). Then there’s a wavy line that represents how your career will actually develop over time (the line shows growth and then drops down to the land of disappointment and keeps going up and down). Then there’s a shaded area between the two lines that says “This is why you drink.” (when the line drops down). It makes me laugh a little every time. It’s the truth about everything in life, not just the career world. Sadly for me I have headaches quite often and drinking alcohol is just asking for a migraine. And I also don’t think it’s the best idea for my stomach issues.

I’m really putting in my best effort to remove the stressful aspects of my life, yet I’m not seeing any huge changes. I just have to patient, and I’m not.

I started sharing my story of having stomach issues with multiple people in my life and was surprised to find out how many people have gone through endoscopic exams from stomach issues similar to mine. Almost all of them tested positive for acid reflux (which is what my doctor thought I had). Many people I know get migraines and many have had stomach issues. It’s made me wonder… is this because we ate such horrible chemical based foods as kids? Our parents grew up eating healthier wholesome foods and then later started eating the packaged junk and feeding it to us. Now many older people are getting cancer, and adults my age struggle with migraines and acidic stomach problems. One chemical found in most food is finally being eliminated “partially hydrogenated oil.” It’s about time! They finally decided it’s not safe to eat. I eat healthier — more chemical free than just about everyone I know except for maybe 3 or 4 people. So I’m honestly not sure what’s wrong with me, but I won’t give up on figuring it out.

I believe in looking at holistic solutions, not just solving things with pills. So I know I will find a way to get better. It doesn’t make sense to me why people are so against holistic solutions. What is wrong with finding a more natural way to cure something? Doesn’t it make sense that what we put into our bodies effects how we feel and function on many different levels? I believe it’s best to be open to all the different solutions out there.

Maybe all the people my age are having migraines and stomach issues just due to millennials being more stressed. In my honest opinion it’s both.

What do you think?