The Day I Share My Sensitivity with the World

Lately I find myself daydreaming about that day in the distant future where I will shout out “I’m highly sensitive” without any regard for what people might think of it. I will flood my social media with posts on what it’s about, what it means to me, the pain it’s caused me growing up and maybe I’ll find some way to help others. I’ll share a big part of who I am. Unless something truly dramatic happens in my life that day is far, far away.

You might think I’m the type of person to share a lot of what’s going on inside my head, but I’m actually the complete opposite. I’m an extremely private person, who rarely shares their emotions with anyone.

When I was younger I never shared my emotions with anyone, even my parents, I guess I thought they wouldn’t be able to understand. Although, I had a couple trustworthy friends to share things with who were sensitive too. But, I still shared less than both of them combined. I learned at an early age to hide my sensitivity and to do whatever it takes to not let anyone see it. Partly because I thought it was a flaw at the time. Now I accept it, but still fear what others don’t know and don’t understand.

What scares me the most is that I have very deep feelings toward the concept of sensitivity. I have very deep feelings in general being sensitive, but I feel deeply about all the trauma I’ve had in my life related to my sensitivity. I worry that people won’t understand how deeply it effects me. Why would they?

Lately, almost everyday, I think about how I’m highly sensitive and how it’s continuing to make life more difficult than normal. I don’t look at myself in a negative way, but instead project negative thoughts toward the rest of the world. I get angry about people who don’t think things through enough and people in politics making a mess out of things. I get made about how most of the population judges people who are introverted and sensitive unfairly. I get mad about the people from my past who hurt my views of myself. Even those who are introverted, because they don’t understand it and think it’s a flaw, they spend time trying to be an extrovert. I even get mad at fate for taking away my part-time job and sabotaging my health. I worry about being faced with people who will turn to me and say “Stop blaming the rest of the world for how you feel.” And I would say, “Never, I already blamed myself for about 25+ years of my life.” I’ve punished myself enough for other people’s wrongful mistakes. Not many people like being around a person with low-self esteem, a lack of confidence, and little self worth.  But, that wasn’t my fault. Thank you world. I had to suffer for other people’s mistakes and unfair judgement. I still suffer for it because I don’t want to be wrongly labeled and misunderstood. I know the world is still lacking knowledge and unfairly judging the introverts and sensitives of the world. I just don’t have it in me yet to fight back in an epic way. But, someday I will. Someday when I’m actually quite successful I’ll help others, write a book, and stop hiding all of my deep side from the world. When the world has crushed you over and over again and you still stand up and fight for what you want, still continue down your determined path, you earn the right to blame the world for things never going your way. You have the right to blame society as a whole as long as you keep on fighting.

BUT CHANGE IS COMING! I can’t wait for the movie “Sensitive: The Untold Story.” I’m excited to see what kind of an impact it will have. I’m excited to see it myself and feel what others have gone through being sensitive. I’m anxious to watch it with my husband and see how he feels about it. I’m anxious for people to have some understanding of what it means to be sensitive.

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3 thoughts on “The Day I Share My Sensitivity with the World

  1. I can understand a lot of your anger and frustration. Here are my lengthy thoughts on this post — please excuse my intrusion.

    It is extremely challenging to go through something or be someone only few can relate to. You are on your right path in that you are seeking others who feel and are the same — we are blessed in the age of internet where otherwise introverted or reserved souls can connect and exchange. So do start sharing your experience 🙂 That may be your first step in ‘fighting back’.

    You don’t have to fight back in your own ‘epic way.’ 🙂 In fact, all you have to do is to take your very own life and make it a place you personally are comfortable with. Start very small. For people like us, that means pointing out limits and lines for others wherever possible. For me, it had a lot to do with starting to dare being clear — dare saying and insisting on the fact that I am hurt, no matter whether others can understand it or not. Daring to say I am angry, no matter whether the other person feels my anger is justified. Realize they don’t have understand. Who are they to set the standard for what is hurtful and what not? Deep down you know that you have a right to be angry, or else you wouldn’t keep being angry. My heart still races and I nearly faint every time I have to do something like this. But suddenly, I start getting apologies for things I would have previously swallowed silently. This is hugely encouraging. Yes, people may be irritated. But so are you. And who is more important?

    One last thing. You don’t have to be quite successful and write a book in order to stop hiding. Start with the little things. Next time someone pisses you off, maybe you will have the courage to say so. Or the time after that. You don’t have to justify why you are angry EVER (no need to explain that you are more sensitive, either). You just are. If people respect you, they will also have to respect that you feel that way instead of making you feel inappropriate. Someone who cares says “sorry, I did not mean to hurt you” even if they cannot truly comprehend you. If they do not respect you, take a step back if possible.

    Okay, NOW the last thing. I do feel that you have a right to blame society as a whole, as you wrote — but I believe it is not about whether or not you have the right to. Of course you do. I do, too. I could punch many a person — and society as a whole — for many things that it has made me believe about myself. But truly, it is about whether or not this will help you. And I personally think it won’t because I’ve been there and all it does is it gives you more anger that you do not know where to put or how to process. Believe me, I can relate to this!! The way out of this unproductive anger was for me to avert my attention from everything that has happened to me without my consent — and start investing into building a present in which what happens to me is a matter of whether I agree to it or not. You cannot rectify what has happened. But you do have the power to put your foot down in nearly anything that will happen to you from this second onwards. People won’t like it. It won’t always be jolly. You will have to get used to yourself sometimes being the person who does not back down — in my world that was a very, VERY unusual thing. But they will start respecting you for it after a while. You will start trusting yourself more, too. Trusting that you can and will protect yourself. THAT is your right. And you CAN do it; something deep within you is already fighting for yourself. This becomes clear in your words.

    So. Again sorry. I hope I have not overstepped a line. I merely mean this as an encouragement to continue exploring your options. Speaking from personal experience I know it is possible to be comfortable in high sensitivity. But you have to create your own world and protect it. Everyone does 🙂 It takes a while. You are already doing it!

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    • First off, this is just about the longest comment I’ve ever seen. 🙂 But, I sincerely appreciate your perspective and that you took the time to write all this. It’s nice to know that someone who doesn’t really know me actually cares enough to write so much. Secondly, whenever I get angry at someone in my family for something they have done — there is absolutely no respect after involved in any part of it. It’s a really strange family dynamic that I won’t get into. I just avoid em’ most of the time. I do tell my friends when I’m angry though – which actually doesn’t happen much though. Thirdly, maybe I will change my mind somewhere down the road but I do want to help other people outside of this blog, not just make myself happy, but that obviously has to come first. Then, the whole blaming society thing is not because of present problems with people in my life it’s me actually blaming the past for where I am now. I get mad all the time about not being where I want to be career wise and a mix of bad economy, society’s ignorance, and having to overcome past self esteem issues are to blame for that. So all I can think about is how I want to help make life easier for other people like myself someday, and to do that I would have to share my sensitivity.

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  2. I completely relate to this post. Growing up, I always hid my true feelings from those around me, even my parents. And I’d always judge myself more harshly for not being like everyone else. I’m also really excited about the upcoming movie. I’m hoping that it can be something I can show to others who are truly interested in getting to know me, and others like me, better. If you ever write a book, I’d love to read it 🙂

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