The World Overwhelms Me

I’ve mentioned that I’m a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), but I haven’t wrote anything about how it has an impact on my day to day life. I’ve known for most of my life that I was highly sensitive just due to my emotional nature, but I didn’t know or even understand the other factors of being highly sensitive. And for many years I thought it was a flaw I needed to overcome.

When I learned in depth what it meant to be an INFJ I assumed a lot of my more complicated personality attributes were due to that. I was also in a state of denial about being an HSP because I thought I was trying too hard to find explanations for being different. I took an online quiz several times to see if I fit the description of highly sensitive and every time I fit the definition, but that wasn’t enough. So, I finally had my husband take the quiz with me and that’s when I came to the conclusion I was highly sensitive. I still didn’t understand though what it meant and how it had an impact on my life. So, I bought the book on it, and went through a wave of emotions making sense of the past and discovering where I fit into society.

When I was young I was told I was shy by a lot of people and told that I was too sensitive on more than one occasion. I was told this in a sense that it was fault and something that needed to be changed. Well, as it turns out I wasn’t shy, I was just highly sensitive, and being highly sensitive isn’t something that needs to be changed. It’s not a flaw or a weakness it can actually be a strength. Being shy is a fear you develop, but being highly sensitive is often a trait your born with. I’m not quite sure I know whether I was born an HSP or not.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with HSP’s here are some of the traits: You absorb other people’s emotions, your highly empathetic, overwhelmed by bright lights, loud noises and smells, more easily stressed and overwhelmed, rich & complex inner life, deeply moved by arts and music, annoyed when having to do too many things at once, very sensitive to pain and unpleasantly aroused when too much is happening around you.

This trait had a huge impact on my self esteem growing up and helps to explain why it was so low. In our society this trait is misunderstood and not valued even though it’s 15%-20% of the population. However, in China it is a valued trait and people who are sensitive are usually the popular ones. It makes me sad to know this. Luckily, my best friend is an HSP too, which explains why we grew so close as friends. We kind of always had this unspoken understanding that provided a stronger friendship then what other people had. Over the years we have just grown closer with friends even though she has moved across the country.

Growing up my parents would ignore all signs that I was different, even after I tried to convince my Mom with solid facts years later. She wanted me to be normal, so there for to her I was. She blatantly ignored all signs that I wasn’t. It was a difficult childhood at times because my Mom would yell a lot at my sister, my Dad, and I. I hated it when she yelled, it made me absorb all her anger and get angry myself. Yelling to me is pointless, it doesn’t help anything. I used to yell and scream so much when I lived there, and now I can’t remember the last time I raised my voice even a little. In my book it says that you need a strong bond with a parent or else you find it in someone else. I lost comfort and trust that my parents knew what I needed early on, and I felt lost for a long time, but found some comfort in talking with two of my closest friends.

My husband was that close bond I needed. I met my husband long before I understood my personality and how different I was. I was still very much struggling with my self esteem too, but he was completely intrigued by my uniqueness. Even with all my crazy little quirks and crazy in-laws he chose to marry me. He helps me to feel normal. But, also helps me to avoid getting into situations that may overwhelm me. He knows I’m different and that’s what he loves about me.

Feeling flawed for so many years still has an impact on me, but understanding why I am different and knowing there’s other people out there just like me does make it easier. But, I’m struggling lately with my emotions and I’m overwhelmed by stress. I can accept a lot of traits of being an HSP, but being easily stressed really bothers me.

Who Am I?

Who am I? Such a difficult question. It’s a question with an answer that will most likely change throughout my life journey.

I’m an artist, a writer, a friend and a wife. These things I’m certain of. My personality is creative, emotional, sensitive, caring, honest, determined, committed, adventurous and futuristic among other things

I’m in my mid to late 20’s and I live in the United States. You can refer to me as Jen. I won’t disclose my full name because I’m a private person and a lot of people in my life think they really know me, but don’t. Being an INFJ personality type, introvert and highly sensitive person, doesn’t exactly make life easy for me. I can hide a lot of these traits pretty well though since I’ve had years of practice. However, when it comes down to finding a job and impressing strangers for a job interview my skills are lacking. Even worse is finding a job that pays well and allows me to be creative and emotionally connect with my work. I’m continuously searching for meaning in my life and an opportunity to make a significant contribution to this world.

I have been unemployed for over 6 months. But, I just recently landed a part time position. I have a lot of determination, but due to the economy competition for a job has been tough. Since I’ve graduated from college I have gone from one job to the next without the time to figure out what I really want.

I graduated with a degree in Business and a concentration in Marketing and Advertising. People tell me all the time how tough it is to find a job in marketing. However, it’s better than my former career choice to be an industrial designer which I thought was a chance to be an inventor of sorts. Honestly, I would have been a starving artist. It would have been smarter for me to pursue a career in graphic design, if anything in art. I thought about majoring in writing but I thought a position in creative writing would be tough to find. Marketing allows me to be creative and use my skills in writing. Marketing is also an opportunity for me to do a multitude of tasks which I absolutely NEED because I’m easily bored.

It’s challenging for me to find a position because I feel like I need a product or service I can connect with emotionally. I want to create marketing that has an emotional impact on a person (laughter, sadness, anger, joy…). I think my ultimate goal is to work for a nonprofit. But, I’ve also found an interest in freelance writing. Now that I’m at least working part time I have time to consider whether I want to do consulting, freelance writing or obtain another part time position.

I’ve learned more being unemployed than I have in my last two jobs combined. It’s made a huge difference on how I view things. It’s helped me to figure out what I want to do and has helped me to continuously move forward in my life. My next post will be about my experiences and all the things I have learned being unemployed.

Accepting Who You Are

I’ve been struggling with accepting who I am all my life. As a shy sensitive introvert I’ve always felt out of place in this world. I’ve never felt like I fit in. I had little to no self-esteem when I was growing up, made worse by the fact that people didn’t understand me. I’m a very private person and my parents never gave me the space I needed. I often felt trapped. If you read my “Solving Your Life Puzzle” post I touch more on this and my difficult childhood.

I always felt like I had such a complex personality and was often confused by my own emotions. When I would get angry at someone I would struggle on whether to share my feelings or ignore them. I was conflicted on how to handle different aspects of my life. I’ve also had a hard time making decisions. I’m completely driven by my emotions and worry how my decisions will reflect my future emotions.

When I took psychology in high school I learned that I operate equally with both my left brain and my right brain. Learning this helped me to realize why I was so confused by my own personality. I also took the Briggs and Myers personality test and learned that I’m an INFJ. I remember when I walked up to the teacher to hand in my test he said my personality type was very rare. I knew I was different, but I didn’t know what to do with it at the time. When I’m faced with the challenge of being me I often think about that moment. Just yesterday I ran across a blog of someone who is also an INFJ. I had never seen such a long description describing this personality type and I couldn’t believe how much it described me. I just had to write this post after seeing it. If you’re interested you can read more about INFJ’s on her blog: http://truthloveunity.wordpress.com/2014/01/21/my-personality-type-infj/

Reading how I’m an INFJ and my personality type is the rarest kind of makes me feel special. After years of struggling with my self-confidence; these last few months I’ve finally started embracing who I am. I’ve always felt the pressure to change who I am to fit in and find a place in this world. I’m my biggest critic of myself and I’m often really hard on myself. I’m struggling right now because I know I should be doing other things right now, but all I want to do is write. I’ve ignored my drive to write for a long time and when I’m compelled to write it’s often when I’m busy doing something else. Like in high school I wrote poetry when I was suppose to be paying attention in class. But, I’ve learned that writing is a part of me. The problem is once I start I won’t stop or rest until all my words flow out of me. I can’t stand any interruptions because I know I might lose my train of thought.

What I’ve started to realize is there’s nothing more important than accepting who you are and being happy with it. I went to this networking event where a speaker said “You have control of only two things in your life and two things only! Your thoughts and your actions.” I’ve become a happier person through learning more about myself and accepting the bad with the good. The thing is we create the world we live in. The world is the way it is because we perceive it that way and because we take action in deciding how we want to live our lives.

I get so bored lately with my life and I want to change things, but the income isn’t there to do what I want. I’m trying to find a way to make money in this tough economy and I’m the most determined person I know, but yet I still struggle. Lately I find myself daydreaming about living a different life. Which upsets me but also makes me wonder what will really bring my spirit to life? What kind of career would make me excited to get out of bed every morning?

After writing this I’ve just come up with three more ideas on blog posts. I just can’t seem to stop my train of thought. I plan to write one on how to discover/create who you are and accept it as a follow up to this one.

That’s all for now. Hope to hear from you.

First Impression? or First & Last Impression?

I’m not the person you think I am upon first meeting me.

I’m not good with 1st impressions in any aspect of my life. When people meet me they think they can see right through me or I just confuse them enough that they don’t want to bother. I’m a very complex person and have a rather unique personality. I’m also quite unpredictable, which is something I enjoy about myself and do not wish to change.

I don’t have a large group of friends and it can be difficult for me to make new friends. Which is rough sometimes, but usually I don’t really care. It does upset me however when people are quick to judge me and not quick to get to know me. I have a great deal of self-confidence and love to joke and laugh and try all sorts of new things. I’m not a shy or quiet person once you know me.

When my husband first met me he thought I was shy, quiet and innocent. Somewhat of a girly girl and he was completely wrong! After he took the time to get to know me he realized I’m loud, not afraid to speak my mind, adventurous and unpredictable. But, still a girly girl but just as much a tom-boy. He was surprised! And liked me even more once he realized I wasn’t the girl he initially thought I was.

The thing with 1st impressions is they are usually not accurate, but people rely on them anyway. I’m the type of person you’re not going to get to really know unless you try. I only open up to my closest friends and family. But, it’s not that I don’t make the effort. I always make an effort to get to know people and let them get to know me.

No matter what my first impression of someone is I always remind myself to not make it the last impression. They always get a second chance and I always try to find common ground. You never know who you’ll meet and you’ll never know who they are unless you make the effort to find out.

In society you are expected to make good 1^st impressions and if you’re not good at it you have to learn, because it’s the only way to succeed in a job interview. It’s the only way to move up in many scenarios in life.

Just because society won’t accept me the way I am: doesn’t mean I’ll change. I can only adapt to the way things are. I don’t want be anyone else. I am who I am and that’s who I want to be.

What do people think about you when they first meet you? Is it accurate? or who are you really?

Solving Your Life Puzzle

When I was young I was so incredibly afraid of the world. I wish I could say that has now changed. But, it’s more like a different viewpoint that causes me to fear the world now. When I was a kid it was not knowing or understanding it, and now I fear the world because I understand it.

When I was a kid, I didn’t want to be a kid. I wanted to be an adult, but not for the responsibility. I was creative and inventive and loved playing games, making up games and acting silly. I was a fun, wild and free spirit while at home. But, I wanted control of my life. I think more than anything I just wanted to not be afraid of life and all the people around me. I was extremely sensitive, shy and often felt alone as if I was watching the world from the outside looking in. I would spend many hours just day dreaming about falling in love, even though I was only 8 years old. I wanted to find someone who would understand me.

Some people miss being a kid because it was a time of innocence, lack of responsibility and little to no stress. It was a time when life was easier. I think about when I was a kid and wonder about how it’s effected who I am today. I never miss it. I was a shy kid, an introvert, sensitive and incredibly insecure. Not sure if the insecurity was always there or it was brought out by becoming the kid that everyone picked on. The things that kids say is more hurtful then anything an adult could say or do to you. I’ve never felt more emotional pain then when the kids in elementary school made me feel like an outcast. Even with friends I was still the center of a lot of bullying. It didn’t help that looking back I was pretty sure I had ADHD (inattentive: which is marked by impaired attention and concentration). All the signs were there and I remember how much I tried to pay attention, but then I was just zone out. I would stare off into space and kids would wave their hand in front of me thinking I was staring at them. I then had to deal with a teacher who pointed it out every time, embarrassing me in front of the rest of the kids in my class. Most of my teacher’s notes even mentioned it and yet instead of seeing that problem they put me in speech class because I was shy. So, then I missed class time and worried about falling behind. I finally begged my Mom to remove me from it and she did. I told my Mom I had ADHD years later and she was in complete denial, she refused to believe that there was ever anything wrong with me. Which makes me so angry looking back on it. Being an introvert and shy I think it was probably hard for me to constantly be in a crowd of people as well.

By middle school 2 out of the 3 close friends I made ended up turning into bullies. But, that one friend who became my best friend was the one who got me through it all. To this day she still understands me better than anyone else.

By high school things got easier I was rarely picked on, I was more attentive to what I was learning, my self-confidence grew and I had a lot more friends. I then began to write poetry (if you could call it that) and between that and my art classes I had a way of channeling my emotions creatively. My grades were better in high school than both elementary school and middle school.

High school was still tough though. I lived in a small house and little to no privacy from my family. My Mom was exceptionally annoying, would never leave me alone and was very controlling. I had my own room and it didn’t even matter. I would spend so much time screaming at her and then not even 30 minutes later she would act like everything was perfect. I could go on and on about it, but I won’t in this post.

I had a lot of fun times and unforgettable memories from my childhood, especially with my best friend. I even had a boyfriend in high school who I stupidly decided to date although he had the same personality type as me. In fact he was more insecure than me, which at the time was tough to beat. But, I was a hopeless romantic and it made high school and my family life easier to manage.

I look back on my childhood and I wonder what I can learn from it. Like maybe there’s some missing puzzle piece that could explain something about myself that I don’t already know. Because maybe my childhood could have effect on the person I am today? Or because it could contain some idea of who I should be or what I should be doing?

I’ve changed. But, many of my personality traits are still the same. As I mentioned in my first post I’m still an introvert, a sensitive person and can come across as shy. This isn’t how I choose to define myself, but it’s qualities I consistently come back to as being a part of me and usually having a negative effect on my life. Even though, I have become less shy, less sensitive and less of an introvert.

How can I truly embrace who I am?

If you read this, I hope to hear from you. I encourage you to comment and share your thoughts.

Why I write? Embracing Your Strengths and Your Passions!

This is my first blog post, but it won’t be my last. I told myself I would start a blog about 6 months ago. But, then I kept thinking would anyone want to read it? Would what I’m saying resonate with anyone? Then, I joined a networking group and volunteered to write the weekly newsletter because I thought it would be fun and I could add it to my portfolio. Unexpectedly people were impressed with my writing. I even met someone who installed the confidence in me that I was in fact a talented writer. He even wanted me to ghost write a book for him, but that’s another story. More important then that he gave me a solid idea of what I could focus my blog around and believed that people would read it. I then had no more excuses not to write.

I have so many ideas in my head, thoughts and stories to share that I think you might be able to relate to. My stories are about life challenges and following your dreams, but I’m not a psychology major and won’t be giving out that type of advice. Instead I offer encouragement.

I’m driven everyday by my emotions and you will also learn that I’m a highly sensitive person, an introvert and in the past shy. These are traits I’ve been taught to run from and have fought and even down right hated myself for them. Why? Because of the way our society is. Life is easier being an outgoing extrovert personality type and people are more accepting of you. But, these traits make me who I am. I can’t change! Why would I want to? They make me a creative person and someone with passion, determination and bold dreams. I can’t say I’ve come to love these things about me but I’ve learned to accept them and search for a way to embrace them. They have led me to create this blog, because it gives me a chance to release and share my frustrations, passion, fears, my successes, failures and dreams for the future.

If you ever feel insecure, lost or trapped then I hope I can tell you that you’re not alone. I hope you can see that you are capable of many great things. I strive to make a difference in my life in some way shape or form. Whether it’s through this blog or through other means I will find a way. I will keep writing, because I know I’m meant to and it’s a feeling inside of me that I can’t ignore. If you too have something you feel you are meant to be doing, find some way to make it happen. Embrace it. You don’t have to rush into it right away, but find a way and create a plan to make it happen. I think you owe that to yourself. I think we all owe it to ourselves to find something were passionate about, find meaning in our lives and be able to wake up in the morning excited to start the day.

I have many more blog ideas and tons of things to share. I thank you in advance if you choose to follow my blog and I encourage you to write comments. I plan to have a new blog post up next week.