Solving Your Life Puzzle

When I was young I was so incredibly afraid of the world. I wish I could say that has now changed. But, it’s more like a different viewpoint that causes me to fear the world now. When I was a kid it was not knowing or understanding it, and now I fear the world because I understand it.

When I was a kid, I didn’t want to be a kid. I wanted to be an adult, but not for the responsibility. I was creative and inventive and loved playing games, making up games and acting silly. I was a fun, wild and free spirit while at home. But, I wanted control of my life. I think more than anything I just wanted to not be afraid of life and all the people around me. I was extremely sensitive, shy and often felt alone as if I was watching the world from the outside looking in. I would spend many hours just day dreaming about falling in love, even though I was only 8 years old. I wanted to find someone who would understand me.

Some people miss being a kid because it was a time of innocence, lack of responsibility and little to no stress. It was a time when life was easier. I think about when I was a kid and wonder about how it’s effected who I am today. I never miss it. I was a shy kid, an introvert, sensitive and incredibly insecure. Not sure if the insecurity was always there or it was brought out by becoming the kid that everyone picked on. The things that kids say is more hurtful then anything an adult could say or do to you. I’ve never felt more emotional pain then when the kids in elementary school made me feel like an outcast. Even with friends I was still the center of a lot of bullying. It didn’t help that looking back I was pretty sure I had ADHD (inattentive: which is marked by impaired attention and concentration). All the signs were there and I remember how much I tried to pay attention, but then I was just zone out. I would stare off into space and kids would wave their hand in front of me thinking I was staring at them. I then had to deal with a teacher who pointed it out every time, embarrassing me in front of the rest of the kids in my class. Most of my teacher’s notes even mentioned it and yet instead of seeing that problem they put me in speech class because I was shy. So, then I missed class time and worried about falling behind. I finally begged my Mom to remove me from it and she did. I told my Mom I had ADHD years later and she was in complete denial, she refused to believe that there was ever anything wrong with me. Which makes me so angry looking back on it. Being an introvert and shy I think it was probably hard for me to constantly be in a crowd of people as well.

By middle school 2 out of the 3 close friends I made ended up turning into bullies. But, that one friend who became my best friend was the one who got me through it all. To this day she still understands me better than anyone else.

By high school things got easier I was rarely picked on, I was more attentive to what I was learning, my self-confidence grew and I had a lot more friends. I then began to write poetry (if you could call it that) and between that and my art classes I had a way of channeling my emotions creatively. My grades were better in high school than both elementary school and middle school.

High school was still tough though. I lived in a small house and little to no privacy from my family. My Mom was exceptionally annoying, would never leave me alone and was very controlling. I had my own room and it didn’t even matter. I would spend so much time screaming at her and then not even 30 minutes later she would act like everything was perfect. I could go on and on about it, but I won’t in this post.

I had a lot of fun times and unforgettable memories from my childhood, especially with my best friend. I even had a boyfriend in high school who I stupidly decided to date although he had the same personality type as me. In fact he was more insecure than me, which at the time was tough to beat. But, I was a hopeless romantic and it made high school and my family life easier to manage.

I look back on my childhood and I wonder what I can learn from it. Like maybe there’s some missing puzzle piece that could explain something about myself that I don’t already know. Because maybe my childhood could have effect on the person I am today? Or because it could contain some idea of who I should be or what I should be doing?

I’ve changed. But, many of my personality traits are still the same. As I mentioned in my first post I’m still an introvert, a sensitive person and can come across as shy. This isn’t how I choose to define myself, but it’s qualities I consistently come back to as being a part of me and usually having a negative effect on my life. Even though, I have become less shy, less sensitive and less of an introvert.

How can I truly embrace who I am?

If you read this, I hope to hear from you. I encourage you to comment and share your thoughts.

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