Feeling Like an Alien in the World

I’ve always felt like an alien in the world ever since I could remember. I’m told that’s normal for INFJ’s. Still, I reach out for some aspects of normal in my life and instead I find myself dwindling further and further away from normal. The more I dive into my complex personality the more I realize how uniquely different I am from everyone else. The more I learn about the culture of the country I live in the more I understand why I’ve felt like an alien and even inferior to others.

The biggest problem I face is my inability to conform to a society where extroversion is valued more than introversion. I can ignore this in every aspect of my life except the career world. It’s a society with so many rules on how a professional should think and react in every given situation. The people with the best oral skills gets the job – the people with the power of persuasion. I’m a better writer then a speaker. But, I hate being told what to do and working for companies closed off to new ideas (which so many of them are). I’m not some radical that won’t listen and conform to company culture, I will, but I’ll hate it. I don’t want to impress people and pretend I’m something I’m not. They say “just be who are in interviews,” yet there’s all kinds of rules about what to say, what not to say, how to act and it’s encouraged to tell white lies. I’m one of the most honest people in this world I can’t stand even telling one little white lie. Everyone tells me that the right job is out there for me, and I honestly don’t agree. Where people tell me to not give up, not understanding that it’s not in my nature to. But, what happens when I get another job? It lasts a year, if I’m lucky, 5 years and then I’m back out there again looking. So, I just keeping working on my skills and building up my skills for being a entrepreneur meanwhile playing the stupid job game.

I know I see the world differently and I want to share my inner perspective with the world in an epic way, but I can’t until I’m successful. People listen to the successful people, people don’t question the successful people.

I learned not only do I have the personality type of an INFJ, but I also have the inventive personality type. I looked at the overlap of jobs for inventive types, INFJ types and HSP’s and found little to no overlap in the type of jobs that would interest me. Any creative adventure on my own just sounds more fun. I embrace my uniqueness, but at the same time find myself jealous of others who have it so easy, who don’t have to work so hard to fit into the world. Having such a complex personality really complicates my career journey and is extra complicated in a difficult economy. I wish sometimes that I wasn’t born to this generation, but I know in time I will find my way. I’m absorbing information like a sponge so that I don’t get left behind in this world. With society no longer having job security gaining new skills and knowledge are the only things I can keep.

I have so many friends living out the normal life with full time jobs, houses and plans for kids (some already pregnant) and I just nod along like I have plans for all that normal stuff too. I only have a couple friends not setting their life up for all the normal stuff. My one and only friend who does think the same way as me lives out of state. Some days I wish I could just feel normal and plan my life out the same way. But, I know normal will always be twice as hard for me being an hsp. So I can’t try to be what society wants me to be, or what I’ve been brought up to believe I should be. There just has to be a another place for me.

Accepting Who You Are

I’ve been struggling with accepting who I am all my life. As a shy sensitive introvert I’ve always felt out of place in this world. I’ve never felt like I fit in. I had little to no self-esteem when I was growing up, made worse by the fact that people didn’t understand me. I’m a very private person and my parents never gave me the space I needed. I often felt trapped. If you read my “Solving Your Life Puzzle” post I touch more on this and my difficult childhood.

I always felt like I had such a complex personality and was often confused by my own emotions. When I would get angry at someone I would struggle on whether to share my feelings or ignore them. I was conflicted on how to handle different aspects of my life. I’ve also had a hard time making decisions. I’m completely driven by my emotions and worry how my decisions will reflect my future emotions.

When I took psychology in high school I learned that I operate equally with both my left brain and my right brain. Learning this helped me to realize why I was so confused by my own personality. I also took the Briggs and Myers personality test and learned that I’m an INFJ. I remember when I walked up to the teacher to hand in my test he said my personality type was very rare. I knew I was different, but I didn’t know what to do with it at the time. When I’m faced with the challenge of being me I often think about that moment. Just yesterday I ran across a blog of someone who is also an INFJ. I had never seen such a long description describing this personality type and I couldn’t believe how much it described me. I just had to write this post after seeing it. If you’re interested you can read more about INFJ’s on her blog: http://truthloveunity.wordpress.com/2014/01/21/my-personality-type-infj/

Reading how I’m an INFJ and my personality type is the rarest kind of makes me feel special. After years of struggling with my self-confidence; these last few months I’ve finally started embracing who I am. I’ve always felt the pressure to change who I am to fit in and find a place in this world. I’m my biggest critic of myself and I’m often really hard on myself. I’m struggling right now because I know I should be doing other things right now, but all I want to do is write. I’ve ignored my drive to write for a long time and when I’m compelled to write it’s often when I’m busy doing something else. Like in high school I wrote poetry when I was suppose to be paying attention in class. But, I’ve learned that writing is a part of me. The problem is once I start I won’t stop or rest until all my words flow out of me. I can’t stand any interruptions because I know I might lose my train of thought.

What I’ve started to realize is there’s nothing more important than accepting who you are and being happy with it. I went to this networking event where a speaker said “You have control of only two things in your life and two things only! Your thoughts and your actions.” I’ve become a happier person through learning more about myself and accepting the bad with the good. The thing is we create the world we live in. The world is the way it is because we perceive it that way and because we take action in deciding how we want to live our lives.

I get so bored lately with my life and I want to change things, but the income isn’t there to do what I want. I’m trying to find a way to make money in this tough economy and I’m the most determined person I know, but yet I still struggle. Lately I find myself daydreaming about living a different life. Which upsets me but also makes me wonder what will really bring my spirit to life? What kind of career would make me excited to get out of bed every morning?

After writing this I’ve just come up with three more ideas on blog posts. I just can’t seem to stop my train of thought. I plan to write one on how to discover/create who you are and accept it as a follow up to this one.

That’s all for now. Hope to hear from you.