Living Life as an Introvert

I’ve never actually wrote a blog post about being an introvert although I’ve mentioned it in past blog posts that I am. This last week it has been on my mind a lot. With summer parties and constant plans with friends and family I’ve found my energy being drained both mentally and physically more often then usual. I’ve mentioned my husband is an introvert as well, so it definitely helps to have someone who feels the same way.

I went to a party on Sunday and even before I got there I was drained. I found it harder to stay interested in most of what people were talking about, and even harder to contribute anything, and even harder to act like I was happy to be there. Don’t get me wrong, if I hadn’t had all my energy drained from me the last few days I probably would of enjoyed the time that I was there. But, this was not the case. I looked around and realized how many extroverts surrounded me and suddenly felt out of place. If I didn’t act normal I knew someone would assume something was wrong. I’m usually really good at giving myself enough time away from people, but this time was unavoidable. This time I felt drained physically and mentally for the rest of the day.

As I mentioned in a previous post my Mom is the biggest extrovert I know (she was there too). She never realized I was different from her and acted like there was something wrong with me when I lived with her. But, I always knew there was something wrong with her. I felt trapped and suffocated. She was always draining all my energy, never giving me enough time alone no matter what I said or how loud I screamed. I didn’t explain the whole introvert/extrovert thing at the time I lived with her, but it doesn’t matter. You shouldn’t need psychology for someone to respect that you need time alone or more privacy and independence. Well, I just recently ran across an article that explains how some extroverts  may never really understand introverts, and I knew right away that was my Mom. I always figured someday maybe I would try and explain to her how horrible she was to live with. But, now I’m in such a positive place and I have the freedom to only be around the people I want to for as long as I want to. So, it’s pointless. It would be like trying to explain to a blind man what the color red looks like. Not to mention she is just one of those people who selfishly believes they are right about everything, and there’s only one right way to do things. AKA controlling and manipulative.

I’m proud of myself for being nothing like my parents! I’m proud of myself for falling in love with all the things that they didn’t accept about me. I’m proud of myself for becoming smarter and wiser than them about the world and how to treat people. I’m becoming more understanding of other people and less judgmental. I’m happy to be an introvert and be introspective about life. I’m happy to be me.

Accepting Who You Are

I’ve been struggling with accepting who I am all my life. As a shy sensitive introvert I’ve always felt out of place in this world. I’ve never felt like I fit in. I had little to no self-esteem when I was growing up, made worse by the fact that people didn’t understand me. I’m a very private person and my parents never gave me the space I needed. I often felt trapped. If you read my “Solving Your Life Puzzle” post I touch more on this and my difficult childhood.

I always felt like I had such a complex personality and was often confused by my own emotions. When I would get angry at someone I would struggle on whether to share my feelings or ignore them. I was conflicted on how to handle different aspects of my life. I’ve also had a hard time making decisions. I’m completely driven by my emotions and worry how my decisions will reflect my future emotions.

When I took psychology in high school I learned that I operate equally with both my left brain and my right brain. Learning this helped me to realize why I was so confused by my own personality. I also took the Briggs and Myers personality test and learned that I’m an INFJ. I remember when I walked up to the teacher to hand in my test he said my personality type was very rare. I knew I was different, but I didn’t know what to do with it at the time. When I’m faced with the challenge of being me I often think about that moment. Just yesterday I ran across a blog of someone who is also an INFJ. I had never seen such a long description describing this personality type and I couldn’t believe how much it described me. I just had to write this post after seeing it. If you’re interested you can read more about INFJ’s on her blog: http://truthloveunity.wordpress.com/2014/01/21/my-personality-type-infj/

Reading how I’m an INFJ and my personality type is the rarest kind of makes me feel special. After years of struggling with my self-confidence; these last few months I’ve finally started embracing who I am. I’ve always felt the pressure to change who I am to fit in and find a place in this world. I’m my biggest critic of myself and I’m often really hard on myself. I’m struggling right now because I know I should be doing other things right now, but all I want to do is write. I’ve ignored my drive to write for a long time and when I’m compelled to write it’s often when I’m busy doing something else. Like in high school I wrote poetry when I was suppose to be paying attention in class. But, I’ve learned that writing is a part of me. The problem is once I start I won’t stop or rest until all my words flow out of me. I can’t stand any interruptions because I know I might lose my train of thought.

What I’ve started to realize is there’s nothing more important than accepting who you are and being happy with it. I went to this networking event where a speaker said “You have control of only two things in your life and two things only! Your thoughts and your actions.” I’ve become a happier person through learning more about myself and accepting the bad with the good. The thing is we create the world we live in. The world is the way it is because we perceive it that way and because we take action in deciding how we want to live our lives.

I get so bored lately with my life and I want to change things, but the income isn’t there to do what I want. I’m trying to find a way to make money in this tough economy and I’m the most determined person I know, but yet I still struggle. Lately I find myself daydreaming about living a different life. Which upsets me but also makes me wonder what will really bring my spirit to life? What kind of career would make me excited to get out of bed every morning?

After writing this I’ve just come up with three more ideas on blog posts. I just can’t seem to stop my train of thought. I plan to write one on how to discover/create who you are and accept it as a follow up to this one.

That’s all for now. Hope to hear from you.