I’ve been pretty lucky throughout my life when it comes to my health. I rarely get sick. When I do it’s usually a cold that doesn’t last more than a week. I’ve only had some form of the flu three times in my life, and that’s all within the last three years. I have had several injuries in my lifetime, and a good handful were definitely me being reckless.
I don’t handle pain really well. I never have. I know it’s natural to get sick every once in awhile, but to my emotions it’s like the apocalypse has come. My emotions tend to take control over my thoughts and I worry that I won’t get better. If I have to go to the doctor because I’m not sure why I’m in pain, I’m always concerned I’m going to be diagnosed with something life threatening. This scenario has only happened two or three times, but to me that’s too many.
Part of the problem is that I believe something bad is going to happen because I’ve been floating through life with barely any real illnesses. I worry my turn is coming. The second half of the problem is because I haven’t been sick a lot, I don’t know how to handle being seriously sick. To people who have had the flu multiple times it all seems quite normal, but to me it’s like the end of the world as we know it.
I know being highly sensitive there’s a good possibility that I probably feel pain more. I know for a fact I feel the pain more emotionally and mentally than other people, if not also physically. There are days when my mind will wonder into a very dark place, where I just don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I think deep down the thing that bothers me the most is how difficult life is already being highly sensitive. When I’m sick, it’s like, I can’t function even slightly at the same rate of everyone else. I do feel like life in general is more complicated for me because I’m highly sensitive. I don’t want to feel that way, but I do. Being sick and having to sit around and do nothing is the worst. I hate sitting in front of the TV for hours, and I don’t like relying on someone else to take care of me. I just end up angry at myself for getting sick in the first place.
I got the stomach flu for the first time at the end of March. It was one of the worst sicknesses I’ve ever had to endure. It did feel like the end of the world at times, and what’s worse is the pain didn’t completely go away. My husband tried to convince me that it would go away on it’s own, but it didn’t. A month later, I went to the doctor — all worried — and they told me I had gastritis. After two weeks of taking medicine for it, it didn’t get better. I went back again, they ran some tests and I received a different medication. The first time they didn’t tell me what foods or drinks to avoid. Now, all of a sudden I have to give up coffee, orange juice, and liquor. I have, and now I’m getting headaches from the lack of caffeine and my energy levels are low. I’ve never had any real energy without caffeine. My level of anger for getting sick in the first place, dealing with crumby doctors, and being in pain is increasing.
I worry about whether it will go away this time. I feel like being highly sensitive and having to deal with this is much more then I can handle for moving forward with my business. I just want to feel like my normal self again.
I keep thinking the world doesn’t understand. It’s hard enough just for me to be me without being sick.