Driving Away From Here

Finally, had a real vacation! Feel bad that I have posted anything in awhile. I missed my blog, but a week and a half ago a road trip anywhere away from here was the only thing on my mind. On my first road trip with my husband I brought a bunch of entertainment thinking I would be so easily bored, but I honestly just enjoyed staring at the road in complete relaxation.

This wasn’t just any vacation, it was a trip to see my best friend, who is like a sister to me. Every friend I see on a regular basis has a solid job and either has babies or feel the need to have one soon. I don’t. I just dream of being an aunt, a dream I’m still waiting on. My best friend has no intention of ever having a baby, and her and I are very much alike in our personality and the way we see this world. With her I fit into this world and I can be entirely myself. But I have to live here without her, and feel the pressure of feeling like I don’t fit in with everyone around me settling down. It’s just me and my husband.

After she left four years ago, I was angry and felt lonely all the time. It took a couple years, but I finally have a pretty good circle of friends, still they can’t compensate for the fact that she’s not here. I understand her seasonal depression, but it makes me angry at the world, because that’s the only reason she’s not here. There are people in this world that just can’t be replaced, there’s just too much history.

I’ve never been in love with this state, but in the movie “I Am Number Four,” the main character said “A place is only as good as the people you know in it.” And I strongly agree with that. I have a lot of people here. Therefore, I just want to be successful enough to take more vacations then the average person, and be able to see my best friend more than once a year. But, I fear that won’t be enough. I fear more loneliness, and I fear more time feeling so different from everyone else.

I feel everything so deeply, and sometimes I feel deep emotions without really understanding why. I find myself struggling as I realize I may feel out of place for a very long time.

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