Alone

100_2754I used to feel lonely in a crowded room, on a trip with my family, in school surrounded by other classmates, and those were situations where I wasn’t alone, not at all, not even slightly. I was an overwhelmed, introvert, who always felt out of place. The truth is I never had enough alone time when I was growing up. Even when I wanted alone time, I wasn’t granted it because my Mom didn’t understand my need for it. She was an extreme extrovert. Then, my sophomore year of college I got more alone time then I knew what to do with. My roommate moved out and I had the dorm room to myself. It was difficult, and I heavily relied on my television that was never working right to keep me company.

In my first year of marriage, I was jobless for awhile. I had the apartment to myself for 8 hours everyday; I was lonely. I hated it because the more time I spent alone, the more I would beat myself up inside. I finally had time alone, and all I could do was feel sorry for myself and feel the pain of being me. And when I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself, I was instead feeling anger toward my parents for trying to control my life.

Having barely any self-confidence, just makes life feel impossible. Now, it’s been 2 years since I’ve turned my views completely around. Now, when bad things happen and I’m disappointed by life I remember “the world is cruel, and harsh, and unfair,” it’s not me that’s the problem. With this thought in mind, I no longer have self destructive thoughts.

I used to be alone and it scared me. Now, when I’m alone it’s like a breath of fresh air. I rarely feel lonely. I don’t sit around feeling sorry for myself, or feeling bad about who I am. I see everyday as an opportunity to create something,  to learn something, to start building my own business, and my own future. Now, I can sit for hours in complete silence and be completely content. I used to need the sound of music or television, and now all I need is the sound of my cat meowing at me once in awhile and I don’t feel alone. Now, I’m more productive.

It amazes me how far I have come; from once believing I was trapped by who I was and trapped by my past, to now feeling empowered by who I am and who I can be. Now, all the things that people have made me feel bad about myself for are the things that I love about me the most. Now, instead of feeling inadequate and not as smart as the rest of the world, I feel smarter because I know that everything my schools, society, my old church, and family (consciously or unconsciously) made me feel bad about, are actually really awesome personality traits. I love everything about me that the rest of the world decided wasn’t worth anything. It makes me feel powerful. Now, I can even use that wisdom to educate people who are judgmental and have destructive views. Now, I’m alone but no longer lonely.

If you haven’t yet, I recommend reading “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Thinking,” by Susan Cain, I feel like it’s a book everyone should read.

“I deeply treasure my time alone, my solitude, and contentedness with who I am” -Jen

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3 thoughts on “Alone

  1. I’ve gone through a lot of this too! I got super lonely when I worked abroad for a few months, but something clicked in me after a little while–I started to realize that a lot of the loneliness I felt was just guilt because I thought it was expected of me to be social and outgoing. I enjoyed myself a lot more once I realized that it was okay to want to be alone outside of work time! Thanks for sharing this!!

    Liked by 1 person

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