Quick! run toward the exit maybe no one will notice! (that’s what I’m thinking, but I don’t).
I’m very particular about the environments I will allow myself to spend time in. Places with weird smells, dirty spaces, tight quarters, old, dingy styles, and damaged pieces, make me feel sick inside. If the place is all of the above I find myself feeling dirty and ugly in the space as if I’m absorbing the essences of it. Even after I leave I’m still not at ease. My mind can’t let go of the time I spent and the feelings I encountered in an uncomfortable place. I find myself yearning for a clean and cozy space or my own place.
One of these ugly places with tight spaces is my parents home, specifically their kitchen. I spent 18 years there, in a space that caused me discomfort and I couldn’t do a single thing to fix it. It never felt like home. Now I limit my time there, remember I’m no longer trapped, and prepare myself mentally in advance.
I don’t know why different spaces have so much of an effect on me, I’m sure it’s partly due to my sensitivity. There’s just no other place or space quite like home.
When I started looking for a house my husband pushed for a fixer upper. I on the other hand wanted something newly remodeled. I needed a space that right away felt warm and inviting. I couldn’t live in the stress and mess of reconstruction. I couldn’t have found something more suitable to my personality and my tastes. There’s definitely room for a bit of remodeling and it turned out to need a lot of fixes. However, the main rooms in the house are cosmetically pleasing even without the fancy furniture we’ve been unable to purchase. Above all the house is not a cookie cutter home (this was very important to me), there’s not a single house exactly like it.
No matter how tough life gets and how scary the world can be it’s nice to have one place that will always feels like home to me. One place that resembles my creativity and uniqueness that is me.