Being Someone or Something Your Not

I have on a subconscious and sometimes a conscious level tried and pushed too hard to fit in with people very different from me. I have tried and pushed too hard to fit into group cultures that didn’t suit me. I want to make a pact with myself from this day forward to stop the whirlwind of trying to fit in with anyone or anything that doesn’t align with the person I am.

I grew up with a family that is everything that I’m not. I haven’t learned much from them because I rarely listened to them. They were overwhelming. I didn’t know who I was until I left. I have already made a pact with myself after I left that I would never again get caught in a situation with them where the exit door wasn’t in sight. Secondly, I will never spend more time with them then I want to. Thirdly, I will dodge their calls if I feel they are calling too much. Fourthly, I will never again let them give me advice on my life that I didn’t ask for. Lastly, I won’t let them talk about my childhood like they were good parents and they somehow had a positive influence on the person I am today.

I also grew up in a culture of Greeks. My Mom is Greek and if you know anything about the Greeks they are loud and usually outgoing extroverts. It sounds like a stereotype but I went to a church full of them. Then, there was me the girl who seemed shy and fearful of the world. I was so incredibly out of place. I made friends with some people during my high school years and enjoyed the friendships, but they slowly faded away. I always made the effort to socialize at my church and found so many people would talk to me for a few minutes before moving on to the next person – this was incredibly annoying! I have had many awkward situations like this. I have tried to socialize with people and been shut out of a conversation. I come home and just feel a huge energy drain, I never realized why until about a month ago. I’ve been working too hard to be something I’m not for all these years. No matter how badly I wanted to fit in I don’t, and I never will. I felt the desire to because my church is filled with family and many fun people. I love certain things about the church I grew up in but I don’t enjoy going. I don’t belong. I never did. I’m not your typical Greek and I’m never going to be. But, I will always love the food and beautiful holiday services. I have made a pact with myself to church hop until I find a church that I like.

I also want to make a pact with myself to no longer feel bad about the things that I’m not good at by nature. I’m not good at solving problems or answering complex questions on the spot, or doing tedious activities for several hours, speaking in front of large groups of people or having social conversations with strangers. I get overwhelmed easily, I’m highly sensitive, and that’s just who I am. Yes, I can and have gotten better at many of these things, but I’m not going to feel bad that I’m not great at them. I’m not going to let anyone make me feel bad for something I’m not good at when I have strengths in so many other things. I’m not going to put myself in situations where I will be forced to use more of my weaknesses then my strengths. I’m going to embrace the fact that there is a lot of stuff I’m good at and I’m going to indulge in the fact that I am smart and growing smarter everyday.

I’m growing smarter each day the more I read and learn and discover who I am day in and day out. Some people don’t spend much time in their lives discovering and exploring who they are. Some people coast through life without any real thoughts on what kind of life would truly make them happy. I think I’m a stronger person because I have. The more time I spend creating the best version of myself the more I can contribute to this world and the happier I will become.

If people have a problem with who I am, where I am going, and what path I choose to follow that’s their problem not mine! I’m going to strip myself of anything that doesn’t feel right to me. I’m done being someone or something I’m not! I’m working everyday on discovering how someone as incredibly unique as me can do something incredibly unique with their time. I need to find a path that won’t make me question who I am or try to change me into something I’m not. That ship has already sailed and sunk.

Everyday I feel I’m different from everyone else. I’m not ordinary. If there’s so few people like me that must mean I’m meant to do something extraordinary (beyond what is usual, ordinary, regular, or established).