Warning: this is not one of my positive posts. Stop reading if that’s what your hoping for.
Being a creative person is an inherently a trait I’m stuck with forever. I love being creative it’s by far one of the favorite parts of my personality, but it also the part that dooms me. I can change my attitude and my actions to survive in this world, but I can’t change the fact that I need to do something creative in my work and with my life or else I will feel like a failure and lose sight of who I am.
I’ve been creative since I was a child and I had big dreams about being an artist and selling my work for money. Then, reality set in and I realized how difficult that was, and I didn’t have the confidence to pursue it. But, I do now with time and some job security. Then this week after having a nightmare that I was losing my house and everyone was looking down on me I went to work and was told my hours would be cut. Now I temporarily only have 12 hours a week. I was already struggling money wise and wanted more hours! Now I have less. It’s weird how my subconscious was telling me something was wrong, and I have been so optimistic lately my consciousness had been ignoring it. There’s like no new business coming in, and since I’m in the creative department I’m the one who suffers. I missed blogging last week because I was so focused on my own small creative freelance work that I’m trying to make money on. If I lose this job I will be crushed. Secure part time office jobs are really hard to come by where I live. The job I have now allows me to work part time being creative, and still pursue other dreams. This part time job was suppose to be stable and reliable. I also feel good about myself at this job.
I tried non-creative jobs. Almost every job I’ve had from high school to college and a bit beyond that just made me feel horrible about myself. I was told at this one warehouse job I couldn’t do the picking anymore because I keep messing it up – anything tedious for more than an hour and I start to space out due to boredom. Employers always looked down on me for struggling with these easy jobs. I also did a part time job at a hotel and they let me go in the training process because I was not learning everything fast enough. I even worked placing outbound calls and emails at a company and was targeted for needed some retraining. I tried to write my own responses to some emails I was suppose to reply to with copied text. I kept messing up and costing the company money when I had an email marketing job because it was incredibly tedious. Once I was laid off from that job I promised myself I would find something creative and I struggled for 9 months just to get this part time job.
It’s hard to find jobs that let me be creative in a horrible economy and it’s even worse trying to find a solid job for a creative person. I’m waiting for that one day when everything finally just starts to go my way. Waiting for better tomorrows. Waiting on the world to change.The world is against me and it’s winning! Even with my optimistic attitude and good self-esteem I’m no match for the world’s destructive nature.
I feel like the hulk, I have all this anger all bottled up inside but I’m trying to ignore it, and stop from turning into a monster and destroying stuff. I sincerely feel like breaking something right now.
Being instinctively creative makes me doomed to struggle through life. No matter how determined I am.